Timeline of Abuse
“Shh. Don’t cry please. “
But I knew he didn’t mean it.
The asking.
He didn’t care.
He just didn’t want to get caught.
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“Don’t look at me like that, like I’m the bad guy.”
But how couldn’t I.
... how could I?
I think I’m stuck.
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“Shut up and come here. It’ll be over soon.”
I wasn’t even speaking, but I’ll remain that way.
Arguing is pointless, and makes the moment worse.
So okay. I’m coming.
Maybe today will be different.
(It won’t.)
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It wasn’t.
So again the lesson was burned into my mind:
My body is not my own.
My thoughts are not my own.
My life is not my own.
If I stay quiet, it’s easier. I used to fight. Not anymore. After all, it’s my fault. I should like this. He likes it. I should do it for him. Why can’t I- why don’t I-
I do.
I don’t.
I don’t know anymore.
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Help me.
I don’t remember when I stopped existing but I can’t find myself anymore.
Help.
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Radio silence.
Copyright © Ella Gillies | Year Posted 2020
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