Home » Poems » Best » Matthew Herfurth » Best Matthew Herfurth Poems

Best Poems Written by Matthew Herfurth

Below are the all-time best Matthew Herfurth poems as chosen by PoetrySoup members

Details | Matthew Herfurth Poem

Bouncing Ball

Bouncing Ball

One of 
my bouncing balls can 
electronically amplify with 
his ears some 
musical instruments.

Details | Matthew Herfurth Poem

Calculator

Calculator

My calculator is 
too worried about 
fog getting inside and 
stopping her from 
functioning properly or 
functioning at all. 
Seeing our ancestors as 
they once were in 
their unexperienced state and 
condition should warn off the fog from 
trying to get into 
the house.

Details | Matthew Herfurth Poem

THE WOMAN WHO COULD EAT WOOD Part 3, from THE WOMAN WHO COULD EAT WOOD

CONT ... from Part 2                                                 
 THE WOMAN WHO COULD EAT WOOD Part 3



Through frowning ululating flowers
of full colours she waded
for hours. 

She scaled sharpie sharp rocks
and slid down roughie rough slopes. 
She rested out of breath
next to the bones of fox dopes. 

She heard the elf somewhere yelling, promising,’ 
Santa has changed his mind!
I’ll take you back to work! Christmas is back on! I’ll meet you at the vines maligned.’

B knew Mark was lying through his reptilian teeth 
so she quickly got her breath back and headed east through a bush valley to a suburb called Heath. 

A dim tunnel dripping she past made her thirsty
so she went inside with her
mouth open wide. 
The water drops were just right for her. 

When she closed her mouth, 
lowered her head,
swivelled around,
Santa was right there in bright white-and-red.

He was staring furiously
and licking his lips.
B screamed, ‘HELP! HELP! HELP!’
and clutched her hips.  

Shockingly he opened his super five metre wide like Pac-Man mouth. Then he sucked up B into it 
so she wouldn’t be able to EVER AGAIN! eat his wood toiled toys. He yelled, 'NEVER again could she do it!'
She laid too scared 
in his fat gut, literally a real tar pit!

But she felt positively relieved she’d soon get out 
when she remembered, and Santa forgot, that there was no doubt that in a few days he’d poo her out. 


                                       THE END

Details | Matthew Herfurth Poem

Speaking Your Mind

Speaking Your Mind

Every time you 
don’t speak your 
mind these things happen:
snails do 
aerobics, flamingos update their 
details on
important apps, palm trees spill 
out Amish hats, combs beg to 
eat 
lemon pie, stools memorise 
flame thrower literature, and
gravy animals, who live in 
the clouds, help out 
swamped midwives.

Details | Matthew Herfurth Poem

Wheelchairs and Prams

Wheelchairs and Prams

Alive wheelchairs and prams should 
hold hostage people who 
breach the condition of 
not permitting entry to 
the disabled into 
their buildings!

Details | Matthew Herfurth Poem

The Man with a Star Head, from THE WOMAN WHO COULD EAT WOOD

The Man with a Star Head


The Man with a Star Head offered himself as a very small lighthouse. 
Seamen never thanked him, not even his favourite Jed! So iron he used to douse 
his very bright head 
forever out, a big douse!

Details | Matthew Herfurth Poem

Mirror

Mirror

The mirror is 
an avid fan of 
karate and bowling (10-pin only), but 
I seldom bring in to 
the bathroom the 
small TV. So he, 
of course, seldom shows me a 
clear image of 
myself.

Details | Matthew Herfurth Poem

Perfectly

Perfectly

Perfectly is 
jelly-like.

Details | Matthew Herfurth Poem

I Recently Found Out

I Recently Found Out

Recently I found out light is 
afraid of 
dried figs, (figs are 
fascinated by
anything square-shaped); ice block sticks are into
lounges and 
cars; pastry grow facial hair and 
grow pubic hair; Mr Ironic plays the 
violin; Mrs Stun gun bathes in 
red wine. To 
hurt Mr Jeans’ feelings all you have to 
do is lower your 
eyebrows; pool chlorine wants to be a 
cat so it can
lick itself; free moustaches can
juggle worms; eggplants have
laughing fits when
the temperature goes 
below zero; brown sugar has a 
better smelling ability than 
dogs have; white sugar can
type 120 words per minute; lemons can dream and 
narrate documentaries on 
any subject; sling shots are
huge fans of 
the Golden Age of 
Hollywood.

Details | Matthew Herfurth Poem

The Woman Who Could Talk Very Well to Cats, from THE WOMAN WHO COULD EAT WOOD

The Woman Who Could Talk Very Well to Cats


Years ago in a settling centre
cameras and people would flock
to marvel at The Woman
Who Could Talk Very Well. She they’d never mock.

Not talk very well to humans, only talk very well to cats in cat language not from around here.
Cats from Spain.
Cats from Japan born in any year.
Cats from Finland. 
Cats from any country held dear. 

She’d translate their dreams, 
and their reasons for coming,
and the contributions they’d
make to the community upcoming. 

But quickly the centre upset The Woman
Who Could Talk Very Well to Cats.
If they wanted to keep her there they should’ve payed
her a wage instead of paying her with stupid hats.