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Best Poems Written by Matthew Herfurth

Below are the all-time best Matthew Herfurth poems as chosen by PoetrySoup members

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THE WOMAN WHO COULD EAT WOOD Part 3, from THE WOMAN WHO COULD EAT WOOD

CONT ... from Part 2                                                 
 THE WOMAN WHO COULD EAT WOOD Part 3



Through frowning ululating flowers
of full colours she waded
for hours. 

She scaled sharpie sharp rocks
and slid down roughie rough slopes. 
She rested out of breath
next to the bones of fox dopes. 

She heard the elf somewhere yelling, promising,’ 
Santa has changed his mind!
I’ll take you back to work! Christmas is back on! I’ll meet you at the vines maligned.’

B knew Mark was lying through his reptilian teeth 
so she quickly got her breath back and headed east through a bush valley to a suburb called Heath. 

A dim tunnel dripping she past made her thirsty
so she went inside with her
mouth open wide. 
The water drops were just right for her. 

When she closed her mouth, 
lowered her head,
swivelled around,
Santa was right there in bright white-and-red.

He was staring furiously
and licking his lips.
B screamed, ‘HELP! HELP! HELP!’
and clutched her hips.  

Shockingly he opened his super five metre wide like Pac-Man mouth. Then he sucked up B into it 
so she wouldn’t be able to EVER AGAIN! eat his wood toiled toys. He yelled, 'NEVER again could she do it!'
She laid too scared 
in his fat gut, literally a real tar pit!

But she felt positively relieved she’d soon get out 
when she remembered, and Santa forgot, that there was no doubt that in a few days he’d poo her out. 


                                       THE END

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The Woman Who Could Eat Wood Eats a House, from THE WOMAN WHO COULD EAT WOOD

The Woman Who Could Eat Wood Eats a House


For free, 
The Woman Who Could Eat Wood ate a pine house
for a too bitter, battered and bruised divorcee.

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Mr Rate of Increase of Speed and Mr Rate of Change in Velocity

Mr Rate of Increase of Speed and Mr Rate of Change in Velocity.

Mr Rate of Increase of Speed and 
Mr Rate of Change in Velocity took advantage of
Mr Machine for 
Increasing the Speed and 
Energy of 
Charged Particles for 
being too agreeable. They have 
too much expression of 
acceptance in them and 
too much applaud of 
praise type in 
them.

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Calculator

Calculator

My calculator is 
too worried about 
fog getting inside and 
stopping her from 
functioning properly or 
functioning at all. 
Seeing our ancestors as 
they once were in 
their unexperienced state and 
condition should warn off the fog from 
trying to get into 
the house.

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Bouncing Ball

Bouncing Ball

One of 
my bouncing balls can 
electronically amplify with 
his ears some 
musical instruments.

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Perfectly

Perfectly

Perfectly is 
jelly-like.

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Speaking Your Mind

Speaking Your Mind

Every time you 
don’t speak your 
mind these things happen:
snails do 
aerobics, flamingos update their 
details on
important apps, palm trees spill 
out Amish hats, combs beg to 
eat 
lemon pie, stools memorise 
flame thrower literature, and
gravy animals, who live in 
the clouds, help out 
swamped midwives.

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The Man with a Star Head, from THE WOMAN WHO COULD EAT WOOD

The Man with a Star Head


The Man with a Star Head offered himself as a very small lighthouse. 
Seamen never thanked him, not even his favourite Jed! So iron he used to douse 
his very bright head 
forever out, a big douse!

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The Woman Who Could Talk Very Well to Cats, from THE WOMAN WHO COULD EAT WOOD

The Woman Who Could Talk Very Well to Cats


Years ago in a settling centre
cameras and people would flock
to marvel at The Woman
Who Could Talk Very Well. She they’d never mock.

Not talk very well to humans, only talk very well to cats in cat language not from around here.
Cats from Spain.
Cats from Japan born in any year.
Cats from Finland. 
Cats from any country held dear. 

She’d translate their dreams, 
and their reasons for coming,
and the contributions they’d
make to the community upcoming. 

But quickly the centre upset The Woman
Who Could Talk Very Well to Cats.
If they wanted to keep her there they should’ve payed
her a wage instead of paying her with stupid hats.

Details | Matthew Herfurth Poem

Magnifying Glasses

Magnifying Glasses

I’ve erased using white out some 
items listed on my 
magnifying glasses’ shopping lists. They get really bad 
gas after 
eating all 
savoury foods!