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Emily Aykens Poem
They told me
only one month left
that was two months ago.
They told me
do it right the first time
and it won't happen again
yet here we are.
AGAIN.
They told me
push through
and you'll get to where you want to be,
but I want to be in the game
not on the side.
They told me
it's only a "blip" in this thing called life,
but how come this "blip"
feels like an eternity?
They told me
just be normal,
but how can I be normal
when they convince me I'm broken?
They told me
that I wasn't good enough.
That I wasn't strong enough.
That I wasn't enough.
They told me
that I wouldn't even get a chance.
No chance to be considered.
No chance to be looked at normally.
No chance to not be "the broken one".
They told me to push myself
harder
and harder
and harder
and eat less
you're too fat
and eat more
you're dying
and workout more
you're out of shape
and workout less
you're too strong
and smile more
you're not pretty without it
and stop smiling
you're ruining the picture
and wear less make-up
you look pathetic
and put more make-up on
you look ugly
and get no sleep
you have to study
and go to bed sooner
then you're not tired
and don't disappoint me
or you can't go out anymore
and hang out with friends more
you're antisocial and...
They told me
push harder and I'll get there but I've been pushing for
1 year
11 months
5 days
14 hours
and 13 minutes
and I'm still stuck here.
They told me
"i'm here to listen",
but if anyone really was
I wouldn't be stuck in a black hole.
ALONE.
They convinced me
that I was broken.
That I was nothing.
That I was disposable.
Then
she told me
I am special.
I am important.
I am not broken,
but it is taking a lot of convincing
and she is patient.
She told me
that I am strong.
That I am worth it.
That I am amazing.
She told me
that she is always there to listen
when that is all I need,
and she has been.
She told me
that she isn't leaving,
and even though
I have given her many reasons to leave
she has stayed
when others would have left.
She told me
that she cares about
ME.
That she believes in
ME.
That she loves
ME,
and that is all I will ever need.
Copyright © emily aykens | Year Posted 2024
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Emily Aykens Poem
What if I let you in my head
all the noise
all the stress
all the problems
would you leave
like so many before you
or would you be different
and try to help instead
What if I cried in your arms
sobbing telling you how my head is never silenced
it’s never ending what if’s
explaining exactly how im at fault
how i'm the problem
how i should act
how i should be
would you laugh telling me i’m stupid
or would you tell me again that you’re here
What if I knew i was bad for you
telling you my head is never going to change
i'm always going to be insecure
going to hate my body
going to hate my actions
going to hate my head
would you be there to help me
explaining and understanding
or would you finally say that you are rid of me for good
What if the urge to hurt got too big
and i cut… deep
would you get mad
would you yell
would you tell me that im stupid
or would you try to understand why
and help so it doesn’t happen again
What if i couldn’t take it anymore
the feeling of hatred towards myself
the feeling of being horrible
being wretched
being gross
being unlovable
being untrustworthy
could you handle helping me
making me feel like i'm the opposite
time and time again
or would you say figure it out on your own
like everyone else
What if i ended it all
couldn’t take this life anymore
couldn’t take the pain
feeling like I never belong
even with you
sideways glances
weird looks
no time for me
too busy to help when i really need it
What if i ended it all
couldn’t stand a life without you
couldn’t stand to hurt you anymore
couldn’t stand this anymore
short texts
no kisses
no hugs
no touch
less talking
my heart gone
broken
because of them
because i'm not good enough
What if you finally realize that I am not good enough
all of me is so broken that you snapped
that it came crashing in
you finally realize
i'm not good enough
i don’t help
i'm not pretty enough
i can’t make you happy
i don’t make you smile or laugh
i don’t make you safe
you don’t love me
What if you finally realize im not what you're looking for
i would finally understand that it was all a lie
i would know then why i'm unloveable
i would know why i'm so messed up
i would know why i don’t deserve to live
because i hurt you
because i made the one good thing to come to me leave
i made you leave
What if you finally realize you don’t actually love me
like everybody else
What if
Copyright © emily aykens | Year Posted 2024
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Emily Aykens Poem
I sit alone
head in my hands
red welts growing on my back.
I don't move to cool
boiling water.
The words on repeat:
I deserve the pain
I sit at the kitchen table
family surrounds me.
My eyes unfocused
staring at a still spot.
No one's noticed.
Noticed the crescent dents and clenched fists
blood beginning to drip.
The words on repeat:
I am not worthy of love.
12 am hits the clock.
Eyes not drowsy
sleep miles from me
my mind on action.
The words on repeat:
I am a bad person.
Music blasted in my ears
as loud as it can go.
Attempts to silence my unwanted thoughts.
The words on repeat:
I don't belong anywhere.
Empty phone.
No one checks on me.
I need help
but there is not a care.
The words on repeat:
I am unloveable.
Knees to chest.
Tracing scars
scattered on my body like unwanted stars.
So many.
Too many.
Picked scabs, intentional cuts, surgery.
The words on repeat:
I am not worth fighting for.
Tears falling down my face
collecting on my sleeves.
The words on repeat:
Don't let them see you cry.
Words typed and deleted
phrases repeated.
"I miss you."
"Please come back."
The words on repeat:
I am weak and clingy.
"I love you"
"I will always love you"
The words on repeat:
I love too hard.
"Are you okay?"
"Can I help?"
"What's wrong?"
The words on repeat:
I care way too much.
My ceiling hearing the stories
no one cares to listen to.
My fan masking the sound
as tears hit the sheets.
The words on repeat:
I am worthless.
I am never enough.
I am ugly.
I am annoying.
I am all of the above.
Failing to see beyond
all these words on the page.
No one caring to show
No one caring to prove
That I might be more
than the words left on repeat.
Copyright © emily aykens | Year Posted 2026
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Emily Aykens Poem
How long will this cold
last? My leaves fall to reveal the decayed
branches,
snapping and cracking giving way under the
weight
of your words. My roots
twisted and mangled
where no one can see. Clouds of fear
drown me in dark shadows. The snow blankets
the flowers and grass, covering signs of spring.
All that went unnoticed
until now - the internal stress cracks
that cause external problems, the root damage
not allowing proper removal
of everything built up inside.
How the seconds turn to minutes turn to hours
turn to days, sitting, watching, hoping that safety and understanding will show it's face
Why must the cold last this long, never a break
from the biting wind until your sun shines through. Never a break
from the snow until your warmth melts it. Never a break
from loneliness until your hands work to fix what's broken.
How long until my last leaf falls, until all of my branches
are old and cracked? How long until spring arrives?
My leaves sprouting back on thick branches
the sun shining, bringing warmth and light for longer.
Melting away the snow to reveal the
buds promising colorful flowers.
How long will the cold last? Until I'm bright
blossoming bright green with the scent
of hope and happiness once again.
Copyright © emily aykens | Year Posted 2026
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Emily Aykens Poem
Pain
It explodes through my knee
as I fall to the ground
hoping I didn't do it again.
Everyone surrounds me
Asking me questions
making sure I'm okay.
I'm not.
But they don't know that
Other's keep telling me
everything is fine,
nothing happened.
We were all wrong.
Again.
My world turned upside down
for the second time.
The hurdles put up once again
ready for me to knock them back down.
The minutes tick by slowly
as I wait to hear my name.
They say count back from
10
9
8
7
6
5
blackness
Pain is infinite.
In my knee
In my head
In my stomach
everywhere
All I want to do is sleep.
But the pain is too extreme
and the nurses won't let me.
Pain
As I jump over
hurdle after hurdle
waiting patiently
until it is my turn to be happy again
9 months they said
9 months until I can play again
That's 273 days
That's 6552 hours
That's 393,120 minutes
That's 23,587,200 seconds
Until it is over
Every step
every second of
every day, working,
hoping ill be better
by the time we start again.
Free from pain.
Copyright © emily aykens | Year Posted 2026
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Emily Aykens Poem
blank stares
streaming tears
the tip of the pen
piercing my skin
Why am I doing this?
I know this is wrong.
I know I'm going to be mad.
I know I'm going to hate what's left.
So why?
I need to feel something
when I can't feel anything.
so the pen
scratches the surface.
heartache
pen goes deeper.
sadness
scratch marks.
anger
blood.
Why?
Why do I do it?
Why can't I use other methods?
I wrote this poem right?
Why can't I do that?
I need to feel something
I need to feel pain
It's what I deserve
So pen scratches cover my arm
I have to hid them now
hide the evidence
"nothing's wrong"
"I'm okay" "I'm fine"
hide the evidence
I'm not hurting
and no one would care if I was
so why would I share?
I need to feel something
anything
aren't there other ways
so why do I choose the pen
time and time again
the pen
the scratches
the blood
the scars
the pen
showing my pain
disappered and covered
by my sleeve
Copyright © emily aykens | Year Posted 2026
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Details |
Emily Aykens Poem
Why do you hate me?
My age
My face
My personality
You don't know me.
Haven't even tried.
Probably won't.
So why judge?
Am I really that bad?
How would you know.
I try to sit idle
while you yell
and scream
and criticize.
How hard can it be?
Hardest thing I've ever done.
Staying silent.
When I know it's wrong.
Why can't you even try.
I don't think it's that hard.
Talk to me
you might then se
me for me.
Am I really that bad?
Can you not even try?
Try to talk to me.
Try to understand.
She's the best thing in my life.
I'd never hurt her
I want the best life for her.
Even if it means without me.
I know you don't approve
But why disapprove?
You don't know me.
You don't know her.
You don't know us.
All you do is yell at her
even when she tries to explain.
You haven't tried to listen
or understand
or let her be her.
She understands her choices
they are hers to make.
Last I checked it's her life
let her live the way she wants.
She is strong.
She is amazing.
She is important.
Don't treat her like she's less.
She deserves the world
which is not how you treat her.
She deserves happiness
not screaming and anger.
She deserves kindness
not raised voices and solemn silences.
She deserves understanding
not criticizing.
She is everything to me
and if you looked a little deeper
you might finally see
I'm not as awful
as you make me out to be.
Copyright © emily aykens | Year Posted 2026
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