Fierce Review
"Fierce Review"
Hindsight reviews tells me so much of what I want to keep, change, or completely drop.
My fierce review of my marriage and how my best fell short giving Doug what he earned and deserved… A review only as a widow, not as a divorcee, or in the middle of a dying marriage.
This was my self-imposed solitary journey review… shameful... regret… sadness… which theme this time? Or all of them?
Leaving me open to harsh judgment, constant reminders, recriminations and unrelenting examples of my transgressions voiced aloud by others, outsiders looking in. Refusing to consider he had a role, any role for my deep disappointment and hurt. A state of unfulfillment, private between a man and woman, partners…
Roles I’d never articulate. Our private conversations, dynamics, roles, frustrations, etc., are private. I will not tarnish their opinions and views about Doug. In their eyes, he could do very little wrong.
Outsiders looking in aren't necessarily wrong. Doug was one of these rare individuals whose nurturing and nonjudgmental acceptance of people where they're at. He gave me that, and it was vital to my healing, sometimes at the expense of his happiness and fulfillment in our marriage. He knew I gave 100% of my capacity, and sadly and regretfully it fell short for him and his needs.
Time to figure out… was my review objective and valid? Or was it based on a lifetime pattern of pervasive guilt, assuming guilt for problems I don't own? In my heart, I know all are correct.
The path to healing begins with forgiveness, forgiving myself for being human. Giving 100% is all a person can do, even when it falls short.
Sherry Barton
February 22, 2025
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Sherry Barton
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