Best Funnywriting Poems
From my editor:
“I’ll call you Deadline Devonshire, a nickname born
Your tombstone will read, ‘She was never late before’”
From my sister:
“I’ll take claim to the gene pool’s beauty and brains
You can take credit for writing verse that’s inane”
From my friend:
“You always leave home early for fear of getting lost
Please buy a GPS, regardless of the cost”
From my priest:
“Reincarnation’s bunk; you were never Cleopatra
Did you have to adopt ‘been there, done that’ as a mantra?”
From my counselor:
“You spend too many hours consumed by introspection
No matter what you do, you’ll never reach perfection”
From my director:
“Good grief, how hard can it be to exit stage right?
Are you standing there waiting for a green light?”
From my coach:
“Don’t hold that hockey stick so high in the air
You look like you’re out hunting for Yogi the Bear”
From my teacher:
“You seem obsessed with making everything rhyme
To the heights of great poetry, you’ll never climb”
From me:
“I guess I’ll just have to accept my imperfection
Writing this poem? Too much self-reflection”
Here lies Deadline Devonshire, tardiness she did abhor
Her editor will tell you, "She was never late before"
Her sister laid claim to the gene pool’s beauty and brains
Carolyn took credit for writing verse that’s inane
Believed in reincarnation; wasn't Cleopatra
She merely adopted "been there, done that" as her mantra
She was the first to acknowledge her imperfection
But writing her own epitaph? Too much self-reflection!
HOW TO UNBLOCK THE MUSE
A stiff-penned young poet from Soup
His writing developed a droop
He needed his muse
But used only booze
Wine-o writing line-o, the dupe
The words flowed so easy and true
He was better than me or you
His poem’s design
Was there in the wine
A heady concoction and brew
He just epic-ked and kyrielle’d
And limericked and villanelle’d.
Quatrain or quintain -
- Was his to attain :
His poet’s ******** excelled
. . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . .
Written 23 June 2011
for Francine Roberts' Contest Bottle of Wine,( fruit of the vine, when........)
Please note: This is written for the purpose of humor only and does not
represent my actual views toward constructive criticism. But there are writers who
are very resentful of any criticism. Elton)
When Somebody Criticizes My Poems
By Elton Camp
Unless criticism you are truly prepared to take,
To ask for it is going to prove to be a mistake
I’ve found that most writers who make that claim
Will then dismiss what is said as being quite lame
Personally, criticism is something I never invite
Knowing it can easily precipitate an angry fight
Well, how dare that dope say something like that.
I’ve seen him online and know he’s old, ugly & fat
Several times I have read his illiterate posted work
He can’t spell, punctuate, or make sense—the jerk
And then my fine writing he dares to try to criticize
Now, what can I say that will cut him down to size
I admit that from such resentment I’m not immune
And an insulting comment will disappear real soon
Disparaging remarks both anger and drive me wild
Like a stranger criticizing the way I rear my child
Unless we’ve developed a relationship of mutual trust,
Go ahead and criticize my writing if you feel you must
But don’t be offended when you see that I then tell
“If you don’t like, don’t read it, and please go to hell.”