Best Funnycity Poems
The Deacon’s Feet of Clay
By Elton Camp
At the fundamentalist church, Larry is a deacon
As a truth-teller, he’s thought a shining beacon
“It is the lake of fire into which liars are thrown.
Truth I always tell so I won’t moan and groan.”
Larry exemplified the family values type man
Since he had two children with his wife, Ann
“From wicked city women, you boys stay away.”
To the young men in the church is what he’d say
When he heard that John went out on a hot date,
He took the lead, the sinner to excommunicate
“You can’t be in this church if your life isn’t clean.
Any who I learn have sinned will find what I mean.”
He boasted the Ten Commandments he’d obey
“I just find it the greatest delight to live that way.”
Larry showed to all that he was such a Bible teacher
Because he had in mind to be the church’s preacher
It would be a whole lot easier job than his at the mill
And that he’d make more money gave him a thrill
Pastor Ezekiel was growing old and his sermons tired
Larry figured that it might be easy to get him fired
He decided that his prospects it might come to advance
If he spoke out against any drinking or song or dance
But once a month, it was off to the big city he did sneak
The spirit was willing, but his flesh, of course, was weak
With a bottle in his hand and a cheap floozie on his arm,
Larry felt that he wasn’t really doing anybody any harm
He staggered out of the bar and toward his car on the street
When to his horror, a member of his church he came to meet
“Why brother Larry, this is certainly an unwelcome surprise.”
The deacon knew he was caught so there was fear in his eyes
He envisioned the board of deacons putting him on the rack
As soon as they heard that of integrity he had such a lack
Larry said, “He who is without sin should toss the first stone.
So how about if we agree to keep this between you & me alone.
For if you should go home and tell this, then I’m sure to be gone
Keep it a secret. The good Lord knows we’re not made of stone.”
Jeffery Snerd Runs for City Council
By Elton Camp
No doubt, of him you must have heard
The candidate’s name is Jeffery Snerd
He has lived in this State all of his life
And he has a local woman as his wife
Of children, they have produced four
Ten grandchildren and expecting more
Jeff goes to church two times a week
When he sees you, he’ll always speak
Earns his living at the auto parts store
He has never run for any office before
But freedom from the least selfish greed
Is the only qualification that he does need
He is a perfect model of civic pride
By all the laws he’ll faithfully abide
Jeff never had even a hint of scandal
There isn’t anything he can’t handle
When to the city council he does rate,
Snerd will bring new jobs to the state
Federal spending he will get in check
And give President Obama the heck
Nancy Pelosi he will drive away
She will have naught more to say
To abortion he will bring an end
If you will make Jeff your friend
Illegal immigration he will stop
Back to Mexico they all will hop
Osama Bin Laden he will grab
And other terrorists quickly nab
Jeff will lower taxes right away
Public trust he will never betray
Foreign aid need not be sought
Since his vote can’t be bought
Foreign leaders he will soon tell
Very politely, “You can go to hell.”
With paying high taxes we are thru
Agreements with you won’t renew
It will be so much to Jeff’s praise
Politicians will get no more raise
Your tax burden he’ll quickly slice
For it, you won’t have to ask twice
That he’s best, here’s a reason why
Never in his life has Jeff told a lie
And such an excellent person as he
Standing for office you seldom see
Besides, it you take a close look
His opponent is little but a crook
His first wife had to get a divorce
Cause he beat her so bad, of course
And other people, I have heard tell,
Know he is a most wicked infidel
All are aware that he is a sorry fink
A sot, he loves evil liquor to drink
Jeffery Snerd is the man of the hour
Solve our problems. Put him in power
For this virtuous man of such great note
Please contribute and give him your vote