Zummm
I miss it.
I miss waking up energized.
And next to my wife, everyday.
I miss my son coming home with criticisms on how bureaucratic work is.
I miss not worrying about my wife.
I miss her two boys coming home from work
Quiet, kind, and making my chest swell with pride.
I miss sleeping in my bed everyday.
I miss the dogs waking me up and not letting me oversleep
Even on Saturday.
I miss the illusion of knowing what's going to happen next.
I miss having a completed to-do list.
But, I’ll tell you what I don't miss:
I don't miss the terror of walking away
Unknowing if that was my last goodbye.
I don't miss being lonely-- not just sometimes, but always.
I don't miss moving through the days like a zombie.
I don't miss betrayal.
I don't miss being the target of existential anger
Both mine and others'.
I don't miss being hopeless.
I don't miss being unsure of myself,
Scared of what other people think of me.
I don't miss wondering if anybody will ever accept me for what I am.
I don't miss not knowing kindness and love on a daily basis.
I don't miss running out of money at the grocery store.
I don't miss being lied about.
Life's exhausting, yet
I just need survive long enough to
Joy.
Because I'm not where I was,
I miss my past
And I don't.
Today's not my worst day,
Nor my best.
And I…
I'm just tired.
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