Tim Smith Poet Rhyme

Workshop Poem - Goodbye Daddy - Revised

An unseasonably warm November day
In my yard the unsuspecting children play
Left in my loving care with words unsaid
Unaware of the tears they would shed

Future's written, words are hurled
Only eight but a girl of the world
Hair of gold, no worries, no cares
Not ready for what life would bear

"Where's daddy?, He didn't say goodnight
It's not like him, it doesn't seem right
Something's wrong, I need him now
Take me to him, take me right now"

My tears did fall that solemn night
My brother walked into the light
Taken too soon, no chance to fight
A child's nightmare, an uncles fright

Fourteen years and the tears still fall
His life was perfect, he had it all
A wife, two kids, God his right hand man
Succumbing to the fate of His master plan

My heart still bleeds for my sweet little niece
"Goodbye my daddy, may you rest in peace"


**Looking for constructive criticism...please voice your opinions**


revised***


An unseasonably warm autumn day
in the yard unsuspecting children play.
Left in loving care with words unsaid
unaware of tears she soon would shed.

Futures are written, words are hurled,
only eight, a girl of the world
hair of gold, no worry, no care.
Not ready for what life would bear.

Where is daddy?, He didn't say goodnight.
It's not like him, it just doesn't seem right.
Something is wrong, I need my daddy now.
Take me to him, take me to him right now.

Many tears fell that solemn eve
dear father, into the light did leave.
Taken too soon, no chance to fight
child's nightmare, an uncles fright.

Fourteen years have passed and tears still fall
His life seemed perfect, thought he had it all.
A wife, two kids, God as his right hand man
succumbing the fate of His master plan.

Sad hearts still bleed for this sweet little niece.
Goodbye my daddy, may you rest in peace.

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Skat A June 9, 2015 at 11:52 PM Tim, :) congrats on your workshop poem

Edwin Hofert May 14, 2015 at 6:41 PM Dear Tim. If opinions are what this contest is about I would like to express mine. Your original work was perfect. Timeless and unchangeable. It was written from your heart and soul. And in it's own right etched into the heavens when released from you. A 7 and worthy of much more. God bless you my friend. Tim Smith May 14, 2015 at 6:46 PM Thanks Edwin....bless you Tim

Eve Roper May 9, 2015 at 4:18 PM Tim, love the write, very heartfelt emotion not only from the child but also you, shows your inner self. Hugs Tim Smith May 9, 2015 at 4:24 PM Thanks Eve...have a great weekend....Tim

Andrea Dietrich May 8, 2015 at 9:51 PM I really like the help they gave you. well, I imagine you have been revising it. Very good one, tim! (am I allowed to be here?) Tim Smith May 8, 2015 at 9:55 PM Thanks Andrea....yes you are welcome and you can even suggest any revisions : )

Robert Stoner Jr May 8, 2015 at 4:17 PM Line 3 you use "His" this is a bit confusing as you come back with a she in the next line.I had to reread this to figure out it's a care giver. The line works fine without the "his" I think. Line 4 unaware of tears she soon would shed. lose "the" line 17 Fourteen years have passed, tears still fall lose "and the" shortens the line and helps the flow blend better with the others. I still don't like the now/now rhyme but since it's a child speaking I can live with it. I like the revision, much Robert Stoner Jr May 8, 2015 at 4:21 PM These offers of ideas come off a bit sterile because of space restraints, sorry. I am not that short in manners and apologize for the less than fun tone,lol.I enjoyed the opportunity to think tank this write and appreciate your patience in my suggestions. Looking forward to more of this fun :o) Tim Smith May 8, 2015 at 4:20 PM Thanks Robert for all your help...Tim

Cyndi Macmillan May 8, 2015 at 4:08 PM OOOOOOOh, Tim. It was good, it was good before, but now? Now the pain, the sadness has this sharp glow, beautiful, hurtful. I am crying... this brought a recent loss to the surface... Line five, so strong now. Somehow, its the last two lines that got to me... maybe because you broadened it? Wrapped us into it by saying, HeartS, plural? What do you think? Do you prefer the revision? Did you find the process good? Sad smile, Cyndi... Tim Smith May 8, 2015 at 4:11 PM I do like it Cyndi. This was a great exercise and I think I learned a little more about poetry and how I write..Thank you so much for taking the lead....Tim

Charmaine Chircop May 8, 2015 at 12:41 AM I love to re-read this poem again,I'm just gonna favour it : ) Tim Smith May 8, 2015 at 3:47 PM : )

Robert Stoner Jr May 7, 2015 at 3:11 PM line 8, no worries or care, care works better than cares in the rhyme with bear. Third quatrain the repeated "now" rhyme is bothersome,only in it's repetition. 4th quatrain end rhymes "night/ light" maybe work out "eve /leave" then the following "fight/fright" won't be so repetitive in rhyme. line 20 Maybe drop "to", bit wordy there. Ok the message is clear and understandable, form is easy to read, title works for me, not overly wordy,punctuation here is a personal taste. Nice write Tim Tim Smith May 8, 2015 at 3:45 PM I made a first revision Debbie Guzzi May 8, 2015 at 11:17 AM good input Robert - do punctuate though Tim - it helps the reader know where thoughts begin and end & also helps the person who reads it aloud. Tim Smith May 7, 2015 at 3:14 PM Thanks Robert...You have some great insight....I'm going to work on it this weekend...Tim

Cyndi Macmillan May 7, 2015 at 1:36 PM This is a very emotive poem, Tim. I do have a few suggestions. Line two, "the" is not necessary and by dropping it, more weight would be put on the word, "unsuspecting" (which is a good word) Same goes for line 3, Unaware of tears they soon would shed.. might work if you are concerned about syllables. Line 7, needs either a closing quote " or you could take out quotes and make them italics, which many do -- it would give her words, so poignant, more attention. Line 13, my tears fell... Eve Roper May 9, 2015 at 4:20 PM I like her suggestions it makes a lot of sense Tim Smith May 7, 2015 at 1:43 PM Thanks Cyndi...I really appreciate your input. I will work on it this weekend....Tim Cyndi Macmillan May 7, 2015 at 1:37 PM I am so sorry ... some losses never leave. Your niece is lucky to have you in her life. Thanks for sharing this.