Without the pain, who i am?

It’s past 2 am again, And there's an itch in my chest, Not for sleep, not for peace, but for complete numbness. I don’t know how long i’ve been lying here, scrolling, staring, spiraling, begging my thoughts to stop chewing me alive. Every corner of my mind feels bruised But all i’ve done is exist. i keep saying i don’t want to feel like this anymore but the truth? i don’t know, without the pain who I am Without the ache that wraps around my ribs and holds me tighter than anyone else without the silence that sits beside me in bed and stays longer than anyone ever has But sometimes, i want to drink my feelings away get so high that i forget my own name But i dont want those substances I want what it promises A break, a breath, for a few hours, even for a few moments No, i don't crave the taste of wine But, I wish i could leave this head of mine I want the silence that doesn't make me feel punished Stillness without the guilt I just want something to wash this fkng feeling out of me, scrub the grief off my skin. Burn my throat to the point I forget how to speak. But i don’t do it. I just sit here sober and feel everything. feel it burn through me like acid in my throat, like screaming underwater, like heartbreak that never got the dignity of a goodbye ever. I feel so fking pathetic I give advice like i’m wise, Like i know so much more. But when it comes to me, I'm suddenly a child again crying on the floor. Begging my mother to love me, hold me in her arms just once more. I speak like I've got it all figured out, But i can’t even hold myself together, even for a minute more, without thinking about the past Without falling the fck apart Without wondering if i was ever loved or just used all along. But, i don’t want to die I just want to pause I just want to blackout, just for a little while and forget there's pressure in my chest Forget what's haunting me, the quiet war that wont let me rest. I want the silence to stretch my chest so wide to the point there's no room for memories, for longing for anything at all I just want to sleep To fall into the arms of a dream and not hear "you'll be fine" because maybe i wont Maybe i’m not maybe this is just a part of me, part of who I'll ever be I just want to shatter quietly without letting anyone know Because i’m the strong one And i have to glow. But tonight I'm not And tonight i dont want to be the one that glows Tonight i want to be consumed by darkness untill there's nothing left of me nothing at all