When Nursery Rhymes Attack - Volume 2
Bird Brains
Mr Fox wore padded socks to creep up on some chickens
The chickens had CCTV and weren't such easy pickings
He snuck up to the coop and took a peek in through the hatch
The cockerel slammed it shut and put a padlock on the latch
Ignoring Fox and all the clocks and all the tocks and tickings
The cockerel studied Shakespeare and the hen was reading Dickens
*
Flee Little Pigs
Three little pigs had brand new digs, the boar brought home the bacon
This house, built of the stoutest timbers, would not be forsaken
Wolf was huffing, he was puffing but could manage nothing
The sow was unperturbed while making sage and onion stuffing
But wolf had brought some matches and he set the house ablaze
He’ll be eating pork and crackling for so many nights and days
*
Froffages (that’s Canine speak for Sausages)
The postman saw the note and so he stood and read it
He did as it suggested, then he wished it hadn't said it
His groin was spouting blood, so now he’s Daisy and not Daniel
He hadn't known that in this house there lived a cocker spaniel
The note had said, ‘From Amazon, I’m waiting for some socks.
Would you kindly stick your package in the letter box?’
*
The Food Chain
Grandma said you’ll wind up dead
If you don’t take a loaf of bread
And drop some everywhere you tread
Those deep dark woods can mess your head
If you go in you’ll wind up lost
As you would find out to your cost
In metaphors, that trail will shout
Come on kids, it’s this way out
But watch out for Miss Riding Good
Oops, I meant Red Riding Hood
Her lustful ‘Hey, come get me’ pout
Means there must be a witch about
If only all the children knew
She leads that witch right up to you
That’s how she saves her pretty head
The witch will feast on you instead
So, having heeded Grandma’s words
They laid their trail (and scared off birds)
But then they found a witch’s coven
And a quite enormous oven
They ran back the way they’d come
But then no bread, no, not one crumb
And they were trapped by massive cats
Who grew so fat on bread fed rats
Gretel cried we’ll soon be dead
As Grandma waits for us in bed
And Hansel said I’ve hot a hunch
Gran’s the witch and we’re her lunch
*
Wipe Clean
A rabbit went into the wood
He saw a big brown bear
Against a tree the bear was stood
And rubbed its bottom there
The rabbit said are you okay
Is that a sign of stress
The bear said I just took a poop
My rear end‘s in a mess
The rabbit said, I must concur
We rabbits must be lucky
For poop won’t stick to rabbit fur
Our bottoms don’t get mucky
The bear then said well what the heck
You seem to have it sussed
He grabbed the rabbit by the neck
Sorry pal... needs must
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