Oliver Chu Poet Free verse

what may remain of me

You ran from me, I told you not to. And you know what happens when you disobey me.
But it hurts. I don’t want to hurt anymore.
I told you it will stop hurting.
When?
What did I tell you about asking so many questions?
But–
No excuses. 

And so it continues.
Four years of hurting and it never stops hurting,
He lies,
And his lies turn to mine,
Lying to my parents,
To my sister,
To my friends,
That everything is
Fine. 

I paint a smile on my  face even though 
I can feel him 
Everywhere.
The shower burns,
But the stinging feels like relief,
Like a semblance of understanding,
Of the pain.

The silence gets the best of me,
And I distance myself from everyone,
I convince myself it’s better for them,
Less they know,
Less they’ll worry,
Less it will hurt when I disappear. 

I tape my eyes open,
Afraid to shut them,
Afraid to see him again,
Feel him again,
Be his again. 
I scream with no sound,
I cry with no tears,
I thrash with no movement. 

Stoicism has become my savior,
A desperate attempt at survival,
With a flat disposition,
No one can see the truth. 
This is the debris,
This is what can stay,
This is what may remain
When he took my autonomy away. 

I’m not some “survivor.” 
There is no recompense
For all the hate that’s encompassed me,
I’m taking back what’s left.

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