Thirteen

I was 13 
When a boy first told me I was ugly

I was 13
When I started lingering in the makeup section at Target

I was 13
When I began to dislike what the mirror showed

And I was 13
When I stopped eating

13 was the age of Jr. High
Name brand T-shirts
Disgustingly strong Axe cologne
And fitting in.

13 was when that one popular girl
Looked down on me
Because I raised my hand in
English class

And yeah maybe that was
Partially cause the blonde 25 year old, 
Straight outta college 
English teacher was
Cute, but
It was also cause 
I liked being good at something.
Something I liked.
In English class
I didn’t have to worry about
Fitting in or
Rebelling against dress code or
Getting my first kiss or
Valentine's day.

But the day that girl insulted my
Converse I-

...Gave up.

I stayed in bed and cried
Feeling too sick to eat the
Double mint chip ice cream
My mother offered.

And the next day at dinner 
I simply had too much math homework to eat.
And the next day it was spanish
And the next history
And the next and
The next and
The next

No one noticed
Until ten pounds of me were gone
I don’t blame them, my
Friends had their own problems, and
My parents worked long hours.

Ten doesnt seem like much
But I was a scrawny 13 year old
And that was a tenth of my body weight
Parents got me back on track and
It was like it never happened

Except whenever a doctor has me step
On a scale
I still get that going down in an elevator 
lurch of fear
In my stomach.

I am 15
This morning my boyfriend told me I was beautiful

I am 15
Today my favorite shade of lipstick is Metallic Rose 

I am 15
And have my disagreements with the mirror

I am 15
And still breathing

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