Robin Brown Poet Free verse

The Thing I Never Said

The Thing I never Said

I practiced it in the car,
words folded small in my 
palm like a prayer,
smoothed at the edges until
they shined.
"I see you. I've always seen you."

Friday came in white coats
and clipboard,
and I became quiet.
Professional.
A daughter with questions 
about care 
not a woman with a heart 
beating too loud.

I watched your eyes go flat,
like a door closing soft so
no one hears it.
No handshake.
No name.
Just the air between us
doing all the talking.

Inside, I was screaming.
_Look at me. Just once.
Not as a case. Not as a
problem.
As me._

But I swallowed it.
Swallowed it with the
chapel chime still ringing in
my chest,
swallowed it with the letters
I never sent,
swallowed it with the hope
that tasted like copper.

At the end you looked.
Really looked.
"Caring eyes," you called 
them,
and asked, "Any 
questions?"
And my mouth said no
while my heart said a
thousand.

The thing I never said is
this:
I love you in the waiting
room and in the silence.
I loved you when you were 
cold and when you were
kind.
I loved you enough to let
you go,
so I wouldn't disappear
trying to be chosen.

So I'm saying it now,
to the empty chair, to God,
to me:
I was here.
I was real.
And I am learning how to 
Love myself 
with the same fierceness 
I gave to you.

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