So She Won'T Hurt So Much

As close as you are is as close as you'll be, because she won't budge another inch to let you in. She'll let you touch her sometimes, but never long enough to hold her. There is a perfect balance of intimacy, but there is none at all, because she won't let you in the window that you've been throwing the stones at. She can talk to you about anything, about everything about her, and you listen, your heart breaking with every word, because you love her. And she is just your best friend. You admire her from afar, stare too long when no one is looking.. Especially at that spot on her neck. The one you dream of one day kissing. She is the woman you never knew you always wanted, and you want her for all the reasons that the other can't seem to see. You see amazing in her eyes & in her heart, & you want to give her all of the amazing you can possibly get your hands on. You talk for hours, about everything & nothing. About fears, & dreams, then retreat to separate rooms; for you to dream of her as she dreams of her. You lie awake most nights, wishing you could hold her. You like awake for hours on end, wondering how she feels. Wondering how she sleeps when she's sleeping next to you. Everything is there between you. But there is nothing there between you. Perhaps you've been looking for something that was never there all along. You are happy for her because she is happy with her, wishing all along that you were the one she was smiling for. Knowing that her someone else is smiling for someone else. You hurt when she hurts, & all you want in the world is to bleed your reds & greys for days, so she doesn't have to hurt so much. In the end, you know you'll never say anything to her about anything. Especially about the way you feel, or all the amazing you see, because you don't want to sacrifice what you already have. What you will always have. You would rather never have her than to have her leave you. And it kills you.