Keith D Trestrail Poet Ballad

Notes About The Poem

                                          Cast of Gamblers:

*Skeet "Real Deal" Trestrail                       *Diamond Craig Bowden

*Richy "Puff 'n Bluff" Norris                        *Big John Whitehouse

                                  *Ngaire "Queen of Spades" 

These particular gamblers and horse thieves are real. Most (okay, some) of what's written below is true. Actually very little but in this pack there was more than just one joker and we were armed only with our wits.

PS: nobody got shot or killed in the making of this tale, but some got cleaned out!

This is my version of Dylan’s epic ballad “Lily, Rosemary, & the Jack of Hearts”

Listen to poem:

Skeet the Real Deal

The players were all half-cut hangin’ ‘round waitin’ for nightfall,
the saloon bar was quiet except for the drillin’ in the wall.
The curfew had been lifted and “No Gamblin'” signs torn down
and anyone with a lick of sense had already left town -
they were pissin’ in their boots starin’ at the Real Deal.

They were thinkin’ to themselves “I know I’ve seen that face before,
maybe down in Albany or a wanted poster on a sh*thouse door”.
The boys began to twitch and a hard drinkin’ voice was heard…
“I’m lookin’ for an honest game" the stranger gave ‘em all his word
but no one was takin’ any chances with the Real Deal.

One by one they drifted in as word of outlaw Skeet had spread
and everyone eyed the stash hidden under Big John’s bed.
He walked up to Diamond Craig and he asked him with a grin
“could you kindly tell me, friend, what time this game begins?”
then every sphincter at that table clenched at the Real Deal.

The cards were shuffled and dealt, there was high tension in the air,
Diamond Craig was sweatin’ bullets and shakin’ in his chair.
He lit a smoke and raised the pot sayin’ “fellas, you gotta be in to win”.
Richy folded cos he has no nuts but Big John declared “I’m in!”
but the man they all had to beat was the Real Deal.

Ngaire started drinkin’ hard and her tongue cut like a sword,
she was tired of losin’ and planned to turn Skeet in for a reward.
She had done a lot of bad sh*t and with a wild bunch did ride -
was lookin’ to win big with a joker in her bust hidden inside
and she was eyein’ that pot bettin’ against the Real Deal.

Diamond Craig wiped his brow, looked at Skeet then looked away,
“has ya luck run out?" asked the stranger, "or are ya still in all the way?”.
Richy called and said “you talk a big game but I think you’re bluffin’”
but Skeet smiled "read 'em and weep, fat boy!" on his big cigar puffin’…
and they all learnt real quick why Skeet is the Real Deal.

“Fu*k me!” Big John groaned, “these cards are jinxed I swear,
there’s somethin’ funny goin’ on” he said, “I can feel it in the air!
If I catch anyone cheatin’ I’ll shoot ‘em where they stand” -
everyone was hopin’ they weren’t holdin’ a dead man’s hand,
everyone that is but the cocked and loaded Real Deal.

No one saw it comin' but they say it happened pretty quick,
the lights all went out and a shiny nickel plated revolver clicked.
Big John was layin’ there, a bullet hole between his eyes did burn,
Ngaire screamed “O' fu*k it! Maybe my luck’s about to turn” -
she emptied his pockets and was gunnin’ for the Real Deal.

Two doors down the boys finally made it through the wall
and cleaned out Big John’s stash and made off with quite a haul.
Skeet said “well boys, it’s a long ride home and it’s gettin’ late”,
Diamond Craig said “not so fast, mate”, he was holdin’ an inside straight
but that sh*tkicker never stood a chance with the Real Deal.

The sun was risin’ and the undertaker was up before the dawn,
no one knew if the next hand a card or gun would be drawn.
They were all thinkin’ about a killin’, thinkin’ about what they saw,
thinkin’ about gettin’ killed and thinkin’ about a big score,
but most of all they were thinkin’ about the Real Deal.

Was time to put up or shut-up and Richy sh*t his pants again I swear,
Diamond Craig flashed his straight and Ngaire flashed her big pair!
But no cheap trick would stop Skeet and as he lay his cards he told ‘em
“you gotta know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, and know when
to lie low when the shootin’ starts" with the Real Deal.

The next day was judgement day, the sky was overcast and dull,
Big John lay covered up killed by a pistol shot in his skull.
They all pointed at Skeet and stared but Skeet wasn’t the kind to blink,
Diamond Craig had sobered up and was lookin’ for a drink
for only a dead man collects the reward for the Real Deal.



                             Written: January 2005

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David Crandall May 1, 2024 at 8:42 PM Very entertaining version of Jack of Hearts. You might be interested in my take-off of Subterranean Homesick Blues (Archimedean Homesick Blue) - or maybe not because its full of math junk (I was a math major). Keith D Trestrail May 2, 2024 at 3:54 AM Archimedean, very clever. I shall stop by for a visit.