March Archer Poet Free verse

scars i can’t remember getting

i have some scars that i can’t remember getting 
on my knees, on my hands, on my face 
a blur of blood, tears and screams
a blur, another blur, we were tearing at the seams 

you said we have to leave, we left, it didn’t change me 
it didn’t change me but i shifted 
i shifted far away and disconnected, i disappeared 
you want me to open the door but the door is too loud, it’s too loud to open 
i don’t want to end up deaf

pop it. pop the balloon, i’ll cry, i’ll hyperventilate. but you still pop it 
and offer me something new 
a new room again. white and naked 
i feel white and naked 
you have a tan but i remain pale 

i can’t open the car door. my palm is on the handle, i’m about to push but i can’t 
i can’t will my brain to do it 
it keeps screaming at me to open it 
you tell me you’re not going to wait forever 
but i don’t want to step outside 

it’s five hours to home. five hours and my brain keeps screaming we’re all gonna die 
you tell me i have to stop calling it home 
you tell me i don’t have a home anymore 
you tell i have to get used to it 

i don’t want that 
i don’t want to forget it 
i don’t want to forget the way i held her hands, soft and responsive and oh so intimate 
i wanted to kiss her but i couldn’t. my brain kept screaming at me to kiss her but i couldn’t 
i knew she wouldn’t want that so i never did 

one ugly scar, two ugly scars, three ugly scars 
more than i can count now 
my brain keeps screaming the plane is going to crash but i ignore it 
the flight attendant is nice, i wouldn’t want her to die 
so i ignore it 

you told me you missed me 
it didn’t sound like it when you banged on the bathroom door 
i can still see myself trapped inside with a construction knife 
cut, cutting, about to cut 
i fill up the bath, i fill up the bath with warm water 
hot, warm, about to get cold 
about to be tainted with blood 

they won’t be able to save me 
they don’t know my blood type 
i asked my mother when i was little 
she told me to ask my father 
i asked my father and he shrugged 
they won’t be able to save me so i’ll grow cold in the bloody bathtub 
i’ll grow cold and the water will too

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