Rant of a Sorcerer
No more
Maybe I don't know what I'm doing anymore
I've been passed a game winning catch
or so the lecture says
or so circumstances provide me to believe
yet I stand still, a statue
a figurehead of nothing
I stand still, mortified
before I just toss the ball away
before I throw the pass away
Somewhere inbetween I knew it before i said it
I'm done...I'm done with all this
I'm done with life
I'm done with keeping my head held high
I'm done with pretending I'm alright
the perfect picture of healthy sanity
when I just want to drive my head through 19 cinderblocks
to forget the wasted 19 years of my life
when I just want to punch 19 people square in the face
till the bones in my arms explode
for all the times they let me down
left me ignorant
when I want to curl up in a ball
and freeze into an ice cube in the dark
Maybe in a thousand years I will get life right
in the present I'm the living essence of failure
My luck is getting worse
What luck did I have to begin with
My will to fight on
is replaced by my growing hate of myself, of humanity
so like an atom I implode
leaving myself pitifully exposed
while my deceased relatives are crying over me
cause I'm missing something while waiting for anyone
to recollect what they've neglected to share
NI just feel like I've been mislead my whole life
and I just want to feel any sort of better
I've had to reconstruct myself
redo my name to fit my life just right
I'm at 19
19 names for the 19 painful names I've lived
now I can add Sorcerer to the list
though I die at the thought
I could blame Veronica
She kept throwing my words back at me
She kept misleading my ways of romance for magic
claiming what I am to her what Sarah is to me
And that kills me the most
what stabs the heart beneath
How can one accept that the very person
you have waited your whole life for
is the very same person you hate, despise
wish you could just hit one good time
the very same person you love, cherish, want forever
the very one person you can never obtain
is the very same person you have very well become
If I am a Sorcerer
am I everything evil too
or just everything to the oblivion I belong to?
Copyright © Andrus Cassian | Year Posted 2016
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