Rain tickets

I dont remember much 
Of the actual 
Incident
I don’t remember what parts 
I lied about
Because I did lie about some
To make it sound worse
Because it hurt so bad 
That I needed to make it worse
To justify 
My reaction

Driving home
Not only crying
Screaming
I wonder if that’s when it happened 
when I lost control over my body-
lost the desire to be apart of it,
lost feeling possessive over it
It was not mine
And it had not been for a long time

Now it simply seems 
That consent
Is a box on a checklist 
I will always say “sure”
“I don’t care”
“Do whatever you want”
“I don’t care”

Maybe it was all those friends
And that religious indoctrination 
To never say no
And then the one time I did
It was not listened to

You never say no 
Because it ruins the illusion of choice

When you say no
And it is not listened to
You realize how little choice
You have in your own life

It’s oddly freeing
Like understanding that time is a construct 
That it doesn’t hurt anyone to get rained on
Or to get a little turned around 

Suddenly free from the anxiety 
The rain isn’t so bad
It will rain anyways 
Why plan your life avoiding it

I don’t care if the rain runs atop my body
Or if hands atop my skin
It is not mine to care about 
Free from care
Free from possession 
I let the rain drown me 

Caring would not prevent it from happening 
Simply it would minimize the aftermath 
Why change out of wet clothes
When it’s eventually going to rain again 

I don’t remember much of that night
But I remember many nights after 
Feeling okay
But my body betrays me with its shaking
Shaking
Shaking

Laugh it off and continue
Shaking
Shaking 
Shaking
He doesn’t care

He’s free from morality 
Because he only cares about me
In the sense
That I’m crumpled arcade tickets
He can cash in at any time
For anything
He’s free from morality
Because I am not a person 
Morals do not apply to possessions

Perhaps it’s deep misogyny
But I fear a bit of me liked being a possession
Though, it become nearly impossible 
to tell the difference 
Between liking being objectified
Or being accustomed to it

It takes the pressure off of a relationship 
Because we aren’t in love
You cash me in
And I dance in the rain 
Not really wanting to get wet
But knowing it will happen anyways
May as well dance

I dance to the pain 
The pain of being aware enough 
Knowing exactly what’s happening 
But
Indifferent enough 
not to stop it 

Suddenly it’s night again 
He slams his tickets on the counter 
And I feel it start to rain

abusebodyextended metaphorhowfree verse

♡Like0

Poem

Post Comments

Poetrysoup is an environment of encouragement and growth so only provide specific positive comments that indicate what you appreciate about the poem. Negative comments will result your account being banned.