Christina Murray Poet Free verse

Pink Paint on the Carpet

I try not to look at the pink paint on the carpet 
What little remains of happy days weighted by future pain 
I try to avoid trips down memory lane 
When I told my parents I was pregnant, my mom went to the store and came back with two pairs of baby booties: one pink and one blue 
That was, of course, after she got done crying
I wasn’t sure at the time if she was crying because she was happy or sad, or both 
My mom went with me to every baby appointment I had
“It’s a girl!”
I watched her cry tears of joy
One of the only times I’ve seen true happiness on another person
And to think I was so scared to tell her I was pregnant 
But maybe that’s because I was only eighteen 
She chose this cherry pink color
I hated pink but I didn’t care 
And although she was too tired to help me paint the room, she picked out everything we needed to do it 
She chose ducks
I don’t know why she wanted to do the theme in ducks, but it was one of those moments where I wasn’t going to argue with anything she wanted
Her excitement was child-like
She came home one day from shopping with dad and handed me a necklace with a small, bedazzled duck on it and told me it was for the baby
I still have it in my jewelry box
Every morning when mom would see me the first thing she would do is rub my stomach and ask me how the baby was doing 
There wasn’t a day she didn’t do that unless she wasn’t home
I remember the times I’d be crying and worrying about being a single mom and she would reassure me I could do it because she did the same thing at my age
And she would remind me I wasn’t alone, and I had her there to help
Which in a way made me even more sad because I feared she wouldn’t be here
I didn’t know how much time she had left; I just know she didn’t want to die before she got the chance to see her daughters have children
She loved being a Mamaw
I hadn’t picked a name yet 
Emma 
I always loved names that started with E
Emma Charlotte 
Charlotte after my grandmother on my mom’s side 
I never got the chance to meet her because she died before my mom was twenty and of course I wasn’t even a thought in existence yet
Growing up I remember the random times my mom would look at me and say “I really miss my mom today” 
Unfortunately, I understand that now 
Mom cried when I told her the name I chose 
I knew she was happy
It was a Tuesday morning when I finally finished the nursery 
All done up cherry pink with polka dots and duck decorations 
And then dad got the phone call
We left right away 
The longest 64 miles we ever drove from home to the hospital 
I remember sitting there with mom in the hospital room talking about Emma and she told me she couldn’t wait to see the nursery when it was done 
I never told her I had finished it
She died later that night around nine o’clock 
It was the longest day 
And the worst day of my life
And nine days later was the best day of my life
Emma Charlotte was born 
But my mom wasn’t there 
She should’ve been there
And almost eight years later
Green has covered every inch of pink that was once here
I would’ve ripped the walls out if I could’ve
I needed it gone
But I couldn’t get the stain out
Just like how I can’t forget 
And now I’m sad 
Because I saw pink paint on the carpet 

It’s just pink paint on the carpet 
But she never saw it

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