On Kissing

I remember the first time. Not knowing how it was done, The heart-racing, dry-mouthed Anticipation. And I remember before that. When young people gave advice And demonstrated with a pillow or a doorknob. But it isn’t done in those doorknob ways, young friend. Listen to wisdom: Kissing is just people bumping mouths. There are numberless ways to do it, and they’re all (except, perhaps, the occasional tooth-bashing-oh-so-sorry ones) a pure delight. Slurpuly bumpulies, open-mouthed snogs, butterfly brushes, lip-hickeys, peckorinos. You can suck her tongue. Or she can suck yours. Or you can work together, to invent the Simultaneous Tongue-Sucking Method. If you want, you can place your mouth over her nose, and blow air out through her mouth. Chances are, after kissing long enough, you’ll try it. She will not like it. At all. So for now, stick to the basics, and don’t worry about doing it wrong. It’s like sex. Even grown-ups forget that sex is just people bumping bodies. There aren’t any rules.