No Matter What
In 1999, my youngest son, Josh was born
He was clingy, difficult, a bit sickly,
but delightful, had the biggest grin,
and loved to laugh
And the world dimmed in May of 2025 when he died
My world, my heart and our family broke into a million
pieces. Our family is each searching for their own pieces,
but I am confident we will stand together, but how do we move on?
The holidays took me down this year and we still have lots of firsts to go,
the first thing I learned was how to breathe through the pain
and the second was to accept help, whether I asked for it or not,
and the third was that God has got me no matter what.
That should have been the first thing I learned, but sometimes the body
functions more automatically than the heart.
Sometimes I wonder if I still have a heart, because it feels so numb.
I can feel it beating in my chest, and I am still alive, so it is still there.
But what is my place in the world now? I have job that is important to me,
I have an amazing family, and I have incredible friends and I have words
Sometimes the words flow freely, but sometimes they clog up,
but they help me to express what I don't express often:my profound GRIEF!
I love you Josh, and my world was blessed when you arrived 3/19/99 and I
did indeed cherish every moment of being your mother, even the years
wracked with mental illness and self medicating. But I LOVE YOU,
no matter what, always and forever! Love, MOM!
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