No Cure For Adhd
Interwoven in my DNA
Disjointing chain links
Always lopsided
Never any balance
Overreacting
Overly emotional
Distracted by everything
One day somewhat normal
The next day absolutely abnormal
Super friendly one moment
As reclusive as a funnel web spider the next
No way to truly explain
It's like there's two of me
Sharing the same brain
The same thoughts
That illicit happiness
But also agony
Walking around in a haze
Sifting thoughts through fog
Trying to understand
Mistakes that shouldn't happen
To remember
Why I walked in the room
Or what I was doing
On the outside I look normal
But internally wired by a lunatic
With no sense of order
Only discord and disorder
But how to explain
That each day is a unique challenge
How to explain
I won't just wake up one day all better
How to explain
I live with this every day
When some days are better than others
But those days I do struggle
I struggle immensely
It's in my mind
Behind my eyes
It's in my heart
Ripping me apart
And when I lash out
I'm a prisoner to my feelings
That consume me so completely
I watch as they hurt others
The anger in their eyes
The impulsiveness of my words
The suddenness of my actions
It's so inexplicable
But I can't escape the shackles
Holding the real me in
So I watch
And I suffer
And I cry myself to sleep at night
At all the pointless fights
Hurting myself
More than I hurt anyone else
This is who I am
But this is also not who I am
I'm ripped in two
By competing sides
So one day I put out the fire
And the next I just want
To watch the world burn
I'm inflicted by so many childhood wounds
So sometimes all I want
Is for others to feel a fraction of that pain
But it's not fair
It's not fair
But sometimes I don't care
I just really don't care
So I cope with my childhood trauma
Knowing I can no longer confront it
When people I loved most deeply
Left the deepest scars in my soul
So when I'm mentally crashing
I struggle to go to anyone for help
Fearing it will be used against me
Like it was so many times before
This helplessness and feeling
Like I don't matter
So pervasive
So corrupting
I have no self-confidence
I have no self-respect
And in the dead of night
I wonder
Why I continue to breathe
But as I write can't you see?
My emotions are tumultuous
And the deeper I dig
The deeper the agony
But that pain is me
Woven into my DNA
Like the disorder
I struggle to cope with
I want to love
I want to be happy
And escape the irrational me
Because deep inside
There is also a happy me
But smothered
By years of isolation
By years of pain
By years of stress eating
But that happiness
Is encoded in my DNA
So each day I fight
It's not always easy
But I strive to be better
To cope with this disorder
And my depression
But there is no cure
Medication helps
But it is not a miracle worker
The real miracle
Will be when I can look at myself
And trust in others
And feel like I can finally say
Please help me
Because I cannot help myself
Please tell me
What you see in me for I cannot see it
Please tell me you love me
Because I struggle to love myself
Because when I find that faith
I will see even if a medical cure doesn't exist
With love and acceptance
Maybe that is the cure
I needed all along
Copyright © Christopher Goss | Year Posted 2023
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