My Purpose
I often ask myself why me?
Why was I the one chosen
To suffer from such an
Incredibly painful illness?
I question myself on the choices
That I have made in my life.
I wonder if I have done something
So wrong that I deserve
These horrible pains in my head.
But then I tell myself
That I survive each
And every day.
No matter how hard some may be.
In order to accept this lot,
I had to lose so many things,
My job,my marriage,friends
And even family members.
The disposible things
That could not hang
Or understand, believe
That I suffered this incredible pain.
Yet the one thing that's remained
Is me. My spirit, my faith and my hope
That one day its going to be different.
Im going to be different.
All of this pain, all that I've lost
Has to have some value to me.
I have to have learned something
Or grown in some way
If I don't hold that thought
In my head daily,
This thing will kill me
It will win.
But I guess I'm too stubborn
Too angry and bitter
At this pain that controls me,
To ever let it win
So I go on
Day after day fighting
With the hope that the
End is near.
That one day I will be better
I will be able to accomplish the things
I want so much to do.
It is not going to beat me.
But its not easy,
Surrounded by darkness
To concentrate on the light.
But I must, its the only way.
So even if I lose another day
Even if its beaten me today
I have to keep on pushing
Every day, when I wake.
I need to say its going to be better
I need to look for the one thing,
Something new or different,
That I've learned from today.
That is my survival mode.
I must not lose faith or hope,
That in the end, it has to have purpose.
I have to have been chosen for some reason
I have to believe that.
I have to know there was a reason.
I have to have faith that I am strong enough.
To continue to fight every day.
Because somehow, he knew I could handle it
Just like I continue to every day.
If he believes this of me
I have to believe it also.
For if I don't ,
Then for me it won't mean a thing.
For as much as I have already given
It has to mean something, someday.
That is how I survive.
That is what I must do,
Each and every day to win.
Because I am not a loser.
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