My Heart Stopped Beating

Laying her back on the wall of her prison Why was it different It hurt more Shocked more Chest heavy Grief affecting her This terrible ache consuming every pore Harder to swallow It was him she's sure She loons at me I know the look She's hiding behind the sofa Saying he's been back banging on the door I know it was the tumble dryer upstairs Her eyes are bloodshot A beautiful bright blue bloodshot Wide as fish eyes She's been pacing all night holding a knife She's holding an umbrella I took the knives last time she cut her wrists She's in torn clothes as she tears at her flesh I feel my flesh tear That's her last nice dress No longer nice but torn and red I give her trousers and a belt My own only just brought They drown her At least she's covered She says he's been calling her all night on the phone I took the phone when she smashed it on the wall I try to think of everything In the bathroom there's hair in the chipped shabby sink She's been pulling it out by the roots I feel my scalp it's sore, alien I feel everything I removed the scissors when she shredded her scalp cutting her hair off Saying this is why he had her Her long golden hair My hair Lithium pills In the cabinet, too many Too many pills She should of taken these She calms I calm Promising to take her pills, begging don't send me back to hell But at the secure unit she's safe I'm safe Says she'll have a bath and be better tomorrow She's settled, I'm settled So I leave I'll come back in the morning I sleep soundly First night in months The morning light gives me slight hope I can't remember this feeling much I hear a crash I run I'm taking too long Kicking the door in I thank God for kickboxing She's swinging from the oak beam in the ceiling My belt around her neck Juddering I look for a knife I look for scissors To cut her down Cut me down I look for a phone to call an ambulance I feel my body juddering My heart stop beating The belt The new belt I hadn't thought about the belt