My Depression

my depression is like trying to live whilst dead, its like a barrier holding me down to my bed, sometimes I think I might as well be blind because everything seems like a blur in my mind , it always makes me feel like a failure so I start doing destructive behaviour , the voice in my head tells me not to eat , a day consuming 100 calories makes me feel complete , trying to resist the urge to self harm is like being chassed by a bear and trying to stay calm , depression always attacks me out of the blue and he brings his other half with him too , they call her anxiety she hurts and despises me , she always tells me nasty lies when I think positive she allways has to rationalise , im petrified of going to sleep people say why don't you try and count sheep, because when you think your going to die negative thoughts tend to multiply , my heart starts palpitating it get so agravating , my whole body starts shaking my conciusness feels like its fading , all these symptoms are coping mechanisms but I cant breath I think im having a pulmonary emblysm , I know what im feeling arnt harmful but I feel like when eric banna turns into hulk from marvel, its really draining feeling this low I wish there was an ecape somewhere to go , what is the cause of this nasty stimulation is it my past or a gene mutation, all my memories are so traumatic my stress response is now automatic , I can never sleep at night because of the thoughts rushing through my head , but during the day my anxiety depression always keeps me strapped to my bed. Rebecca Hodgkinson 17