Black Eyed Susan Poet Tanka

Metamorph Contest

Old poem:
Sorry for Your Loss

“I’m sorry for your loss,” you say 
As if those words make it okay
Well it’s NOT okay, I’M NOT OKAY
Nothing will ever be the same!
I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t drink
All I can do is think think THINK
About how she’s gone and never coming back
But she can’t be gone; she’s my other half!
How could this happen on our wedding day?
She never had a chance to proclaim
“I do!”
A heart attack at 32
32!
Our life together, an unraveled spool
Gone, before it began – 
Why God, did this have to happen – to me, to us?
How could You take someone I LOVE so much?
Tell me WHY, what was the point -
Why her, why NOW? I’m going crazy 
Trying to figure it out!
She was my world, my life, my reason to live
And You took her, YOU TOOK HER
And left me like this –
With a HOLE 
Like the Grand Canyon 
Inside my soul
Why did You take her and leave me alone? 
Why won’t You answer? I deserve to know!
She was my home, my HOME, and You left me 
A L O N E 
You had to know this would rip me to bits - 
Thanks a lot, for the WORST WEDDING GIFT!!!!


morphed into tanka:

Dear God
How could you take my bride on
our wedding day?
She was my heart, my SOUL -
I DO believe I HATE YOU

for Debbie's metamorph contest
Debbie, I hope you will see my tanka as modern. I know that there are usually no caps, but rules can be broken and they were done for effect.

♡Like0

Share Poem

---

Post Comments

Poetrysoup is an environment of encouragement and growth so only provide specific positive comments that indicate what you appreciate about the poem. Negative comments will result your account being banned.

Please Login to post a comment

Dinda Minardi November 30, 2013 at 2:48 AM oohh.. you rephrased it in tanka wonderfully.. i could still taste the bitterness, pretty susan :) Dinda Minardi November 30, 2013 at 2:49 AM oh oh oh.. and congrats for the win!!

Poet Destroyer A May 1, 2013 at 6:05 PM nice win...PD

Abdulhafeez Oyewole April 28, 2013 at 11:21 AM Congrats on your win B.E.S~A.O

Richard Lamoureux April 25, 2013 at 5:04 PM Wow this is powerful!

Debbie Guzzi April 25, 2013 at 3:57 PM Congrad's on your win. Light & Love

Mandy Tams The Golden Girl April 25, 2013 at 10:25 AM hi Su many congratulations luv , well done xx

Painted Hunter April 22, 2013 at 6:09 AM You managed to cram all that emotion into one tanka!...I say well done!

Karen Anglesey April 21, 2013 at 6:50 PM The pain of loss very deeply expressed. You obviously write from a very deep place. I relate to the pain of loss as well, "On the Pantry Shelf"

Robert Johnson April 21, 2013 at 3:29 PM An expressive flow of rhymes to convey the pain of such terrible tragic timing. Peace. :)

Sara Kendrick April 20, 2013 at 5:33 PM Reads like winning material to me..Way to go for Deb's contest...I wonder was this about someone in your family?..Thanks for stopping by, taking time to read and comment about my work..Sara

Andrea Dietrich April 18, 2013 at 11:20 PM wow, you really condensed that letter of angst to a short and powerful tanka, Susan. It's exactly how some people would probably feel and you captured that intensity of feeling. Just wanted to say goodnight to you here. Think I'll get off soon. Luv, Andrea

Russell Sivey April 18, 2013 at 8:17 PM I love the emotion within each one of your poems! Since the first one was longer you were able to build it up more, but I think you successfully created a similar atmosphere inside the second one as well! You have mastered this aura of utter dismay and hatred! I really enjoyed this awesome poem, Great Work!!