Manual On Parenting

Give a child life at birth Make it a C section or natural Feed them warm mammary milk Give them two parents when possible Cloth them in cotton and wool Give them a bath because children stink Teach them to think and about soap and water Take them to the doctors when they are ill Take children on long walks Speak gently when you talk Read two books to them at bedtime Pray and eat every meal together Cultivate good behavior by example Instruct them to work hard and play harder Give them candy after age thirty two Answer all their questions with truth Answer sex questions commensurate with their age Give books filled with knowledge as gifts Educate them first at home Teach them fishing, sports and especially golf Teach children about love Drop them off at school and a place of worship Assign two body guards at all times Drop them but never on their heads Slap them if they get fresh Slap them twice if liberals are present Send children to self defense classes Kiss them on the forehead and cheek Say I love you one hundred times a week Buy them a toy car or real one if you have the money Leave them to their own devices when they turn ninety Conjure up hundreds of questions (Children are smarter than you think) Advise them to live their own lives Remind them they only live twice (God will understand your answers) Remind them frequently to sing and dance Remind them to take a bath *The road to success is always under construction. Avoid destruction. Children need structure and instruction. Always love them. Children are like plants. Give them plenty of water. Leave them alone to grow in the light.