Madness Emotions

I numb myself everyday and night. I struggle to stay alive.. Drugs will numb me, alcohol will follow, mixed together it helps. Ease the sorrow, mistakes I make everyday. I want to be me before my life was changed. My mind is gone, I want to remember how my life was before, can't understand why I'm so low. Hate In my heart love is no where near, what do I do? Do i Keep moving on? Maybe it's up to me. I'm shut off to the world and the people all around, if they can only see I'm good inside its just a bad time for me right now. Look deeper inside my eyes and maybe you will realize I'm crying inside its hard for me to reach out. Life has been hard and I can barely stay awake but my mind keeps going and going its a nightmare for me but I'm wide awake.