Losing Grip

It’s hard to decide, when I ended up this way.
How I let everything slip through my grasp.
How I became dependent on anything to keep me high.
How I ignored the world around me, for my online persona.
I’d say it was really when I was twenty.
Things were rough around the edges,
But we were kind of okay at times.
But then bills became numerous,
My dad’s age started to show.
I still don’t know how to grow up.
Or how to deal with this depression.
True, I’ve been depressed before.
And I’ve come out of it okay.
But this, this is something different.
This is complete, and utter defeat.
How I let my grades slip away.
Potentially tossed my future away.
How I found that I really, really, really loved being drunk.
And how I almost completely despised being sober.
Because when I’m sober, I have to face the reality.
Of everything I’ve done.
Of what I have let my life become.
Of what my life will become if I don’t do something now.
And that absolutely, completely, utterly scares the **** out of me.
Perhaps if I told someone how I felt, they might understand.
Or be able to lend a helping hand.
But I’m scared to admit how weak I’ve become.
And how I’ve let my life become shambles.
I have no idea what to do anymore.
I keep preaching to have more hope.
But it almost feels like my hope is gone.
I still can’t drive.
I’ve never had a real job.
I flunked this semester of college.
I became addicted to buying habbo credits.
And alcohol.
I ignored my dad so many times.
I’ve let my house become disgusting.
And I haven’t brought any of it up.
Or acknowledged it.
I’m losing my grip on reality,
I don’t know what to do.
This is the lowest I’ve ever felt,
The lowest I’ve ever been.
How to cope?
What do I do?
How do I grow up, and tackle life?
When I feel like I’m still a kid?

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Caren Krutsinger

Date: 1/29/2019 3:13:00 PM

Del, your poetry resonates with raw truth, and feelings. Writing for me is therapeutic, I am hoping it is also therapeutic for you. I am wondering why there was almost a year in between poems posted. I hope that you have a year's worth of poetry posted somewhere else. Keep writing, and never lose optimism.