Notes About The Poem
I wrote this letter to the lie I let myself believe for so long. I hope someone who needs it, finds it and it brings them peace. I hope the person reading this, if you are hurting, I am praying for you. That God will take you from hurt to whole. I am learning what it means to live in the love of the Father. I pray you learn that too.
Letter to the Lie
You’ll Never Be First,
You were so close to me for so long. I believed we were supposed to be second or less to everyone so they would love us. Somehow, we thought we were making it work. We thought if we made ourselves small enough that somehow people around us would feel bigger and better. Maybe they wouldn’t hurt so much because we thought we were helping them and they wouldn’t hurt us anymore either.
Growing up, we always stayed thick as thieves. You were with me from the start. Almost like the sister I never wanted. You clung to me like the stench of skunk spray. You wouldn’t go away. As we grew up, other people came into our life and you had me thinking the only way to get through was to stay quiet. That quiet held more pain than any amount of speech could have. We only got the second choice of everything, and you taught me there was only rejection if I tried to speak up.
The years of fake smiles and mental screaming from listening to you only grew as I did. I thought maybe my relationships would be better. Only, the more I loved them, the more they took and I still had you there to remind me I was not a priority for them or anyone. You told me I was replaceable! That I wasn’t worthy of love and I wasn’t beautiful! You told me that I was broken and damaged beyond repair! You told me I was the problem!
I obeyed your every command as I navigated through life. I believed the lie you told me that I couldn’t be more than I was. I am writing to tell you how wrong you were. You see, back then, I was meek and easy to manipulate. I saw the good you could bring to my life at the time we became friends. When we were together, I felt like we could just weather the storm and it would pass. Unfortunately, the smaller I became, the less I was heard and the more I was hurt.
There was something in this that I want to thank you for. A powerful lesson that I don’t think you intended to teach. You pushed me so far into the abyss that I only had a pinpoint of light to lead me back. The chasm I was in was so dark and so deep. Do you know what that light was? What led me back from the edge? God.
You taught me that I was placing the weight of my value in the wrong hands! On this side of the sun, my worth is measured in acts, status, and things by other sinners who have no true bearing. Where God sits on the other side of the sun? My worth isn’t measured. It was given to me as a gift. Where I stayed quiet to avoid attention for so long, God showed up to give me a voice. God never left me. That’s why I had that light to guide me home.
You Will Never Be First…you fed me lie after lie. You wanted me to stay in the abyss you edged me into. I was never alone though. God never abandoned me. I listened to you because you were the only voice I thought I knew. I didn’t hear the small voice behind you that had something so much more important to tell me. I finally heard Him over you. So quiet and reserved but full of so much power. Do you know what God had to tell me about myself?
God says I am gorgeous and he adores me! He says I am worthy of all the love He has for me and there is nothing I can do to separate from Him! My God says I am His daughter…His princess. My Daddy says I am precious, valued, and heard! I am heard! So, You Will Never Be First…you can think that about yourself all you want. As for me, I choose to believe what God says of me!
Thank you for the lessons. Thank you for the trials. Thank you for the time it took for me to see who you really were. Some say it was too long. I say it was exactly what God said I needed from you.
Goodbye.
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