Evelyn Collins Poet Free verse

Learning to think healthy thoughts/anger issues

White knuckle straining 
Gripping the laces 
At the edges of my thoughts
Praying the laces
Don’t come off
I am screaming 
You cannot hear me 
Because I am learning 
I am learning what is healthy
And tearing down the dry wall 
Until your nail beds are bleeding is 
Not. 
I do not hate you. 
How do I say 
I hate the way
I have to relearn how to think 
How to speak 
I have to weigh every opinion
Every porcelain inkling 
So that I do not break 
It 
Break
Me 
Break, you. 
Break through! 
I can do this sober. 
Unless 
I can’t. 
String me up by my neck 
There is only silence 
Until the next
The thought
Rips its way in 
Unfamiliar nasty little friend 
I white knuckle strain
And grip the lace 
Hoping for a soft landing 
A greeting 
A whisper instead of the screaming 
I am gritting my teeth
Praying 
And they call this 
Healthy, 
Self understanding. 
But thinking for me 
Feels more like disease 
Punishment seeping internally 
Pushing my face into gravel 
Threatening to leak 
Through my teeth 
And onto my life where 
I’ve rebuilt 
Piece by piece. 
Silence. 
I breathe. 
Release. 
Repeat.

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