JUST

I just needed to be That young woman in the red, cable-knit cardigan one more time Who mama had to make excuses for… “She’s very intelligent.” And there were silence and blank stares all around the table I just needed to be that young woman in the red, cable-knit cardigan Maybe things would be different And I could be “enough” Was I an English major then? Lost in Radcliffe and Love Story illusions of bliss The reality of being adrift on a tumbling log of family dysfunction Losses in the raging rapids and tousling winds Threatening to overtake me…Soon, too soon. But I smiled and drank my coffee cautiously, ever so carefully Fading away like swallowed cream swirling in the throat Trying to be unnoticed…a guest in this house of unfamiliarity A visitor beside family who had to make excuses for my being My very presence an apology