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If only you knew

Written for the poetry contest "If only you knew"
Sponsor: Silent One
2nd Place

This poem is inspired from the song “liability” by Lorde. 

sat down with my brother the other day
asked him if my smile screamed heart ache
he laughed and said
no way
no way my heart had been broken

if only you knew

I’m dancing in the living room
with a hollow in the beat
don’t need someone to wretch it out
my hands are enough
the pads of my fingers painted crimson
now there’s a hole in my chest that I’m trying to fill up, up, up
with that stretch of parched lips and rumble in my ribcage
with the strain of muscle in my legs and sore, swollen feet 
it’s starting to mean less, less, less
just something that takes the pressure off
my lungs
in the moment 
and
is wiped off 
in the dark
like a shameful secret
I don’t want you to know that I’m breaking, breaking, breaking
behind a brittle mask of perfect joy
because I’m not okay.

I hurt. A lot.
Sometimes…
it hurts to breathe.

So I breathe anyways 
because pain is better.
Better than being numb
because there’s nowhere to hide
six feet under the ground
when everyone knows
of a visage blank
I don’t want to give them someone to grieve over
don’t want them to feel 
what I felt
and pray
in a moment of frailty
for someone like me
to grace their lives again.

I wonder
again
if it is so selfish of me
to not want them
to hate
that
they loved me once?

there’s not much to look forward to
nowadays
I drown in memories like I drown in guilt
We move in the shadows
always in tune with each other
my eyes are closed 
and I can feel your touch
but all a stranger
a stranger would see
is one girl swaying alone
stroking her cheek.

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