Ice Cream Gran 5 - Turbo, We Have a Problem
It’s heading for our planet at ten thousand miles an hour
To stop it all the experts say we haven’t got the power
All the nukes in all the world won’t constitute a plan
So someone said, ‘All we can do is call on Turbo Gran.’
The call went out and they all watched the car park down below
For if she brings her ice cream van, that’s where she’s gonna go
Then, sure enough an ice cream van parked like it wasn’t drastic
And Ice Cream Gran was soon to face a sergeant quite sarcastic.
‘I trust we didn’t bother you, for that’s the way it seems.’
She said, ‘There’s children down there and they wanted their ice creams,
So tell me what you need from me, and what I’m meant to do
And I’ll decide if there is something I can do for you.’
The photos that they showed her were quite fuzzy and unclear
Turbo Gran said, ‘Are you sure that splodge is heading here?’
‘That “splodge”,’said Colonel Bigwig, ‘is a massive hurtling Boulder.’
Grannie shrugged, ‘My eyesight needs assistance now I’m older.’
She took some chocolate chips and through the window watched the sky
And then she said, ‘You’re right, that fella isn’t passing by,
I’ll need some special petrol, I think you lot call it gas,
So start fermenting Brussels sprouts… you'd best do that en masse.’
Bigwig yelled, ‘I will not cook for someone else’s Gran,
We’ll order you a bagel, while you illustrate your plan.’
‘Mister,’ Grannie said, ‘you’re such a very noisy man,
The gas I need from Brussels Sprouts is for my ice cream van.
‘When it’s ripe and ready add these choc chips to the brew,
But hold your breath because the whiff of Brussels sprouts is “PHEW”
Then load my van with sandwiches, a fizzy drink or two
And get for me a jet pack filled with Brussels sprout juice too.’
Colonel Bigwig said, ‘It seems that we now have a plan,
So get a launch pad ready for our hero and her van.’
Granny said, ‘That’s well and good for which you have my thanks,
But all I need are building blocks and one or two stout planks
‘Just take the blocks and timbers and prepare a kind of ramp
Shouldn’t be too awkward for a man who’s done space camp.’
Then granny got distracted as she looked up at the stars
‘You’d better get a move on cos that boulder’s just missed Mars.’
*
So revving on the runway while the ramp lay up ahead
Ice Cream Gran in Speedy hoped she’d soon be home in bed
Then pretty soon she hit the ramp on Brussels-sprout-juice power
And Speedy headed skyward at two hundred miles per hour
Pretty soon the atmosphere was thin and then was gone
Turbo Gran hit ‘Super Warp’ and Speedy thundered on
Settled in the driver’s seat she took a little nap
And knew that when she woke she would have closed the cosmic gap
She wasn’t wrong and slept for what did not seem all that long
And woke up to the jingling of an ice-cream-van type song
Speedy’s speedo showed her that the van was at a stop
And through the windshield - also stopped - a really massive rock
*
Back at NASA someone said that Turbo’s speed was nil
And in some consternation said the asteroid is still
Colonel Bigwig bellowed, ‘Get your systems sorted out,
Asteroids don’t stop at lights, in fact they stop for nowt.’
But with all boxes ticked and checked, the atmosphere was sour
As Turbo and the asteroid just sat there for an hour
Then suddenly the asteroid reversed into the black
The fellow at the monitor said, ‘Grandma’s coming back!’
Bigwig asked the question, ‘Who on Earth is Turbo Gran?
I want someone to clarify, if anybody can,
That rock did not turn back because we sent someone to kick it
And please don’t tell me it cleared off cos Gran gave it a ticket.’
*
Another little nap saw Speedy hit the ozone layer
And Turbo Gran pressed play on the ice cream vans jingle player
And when all three chutes opened like inverted ice cream cones
Half a dozen generals were screaming down their phones
‘Get that woman outa there, we need her to explain
How she stopped that asteroid… before we go insane.’
But Gran had donned her jet pack and had landed on the roof
She had some news to give them and she, thankfully, had proof
*
Turbo Gran was ushered in and what she had to say
Would change our Earthly solitude forever and a day
She said, ‘That rock flew slower than a standard meteor shower
Yet asteroids approach at fifty thousand miles an hour
‘You thought it was an asteroid but it could not have been
The first time that I saw it I could see it had a screen,
I went to say hello like in some kind of wacko dream
And sent them home with recipes for sprinkles and ice cream.’
Colonel Bigwig stammered, ‘Tell me! Did they look like friends’
Turbo Gran said, ‘Well I guess that really all depends,
I’ve brought a souvenir that might enlighten all your doubts,
These two critters wouldn’t go… they loved the smell of sprouts.’
In her hand, two rodents that were well encased in ice
Turbo said, ‘They’re sleeping, they’ll be done in just a trice.’
Bigwig yelled, ‘An E.T. mouse, in fact you’ve smuggled two.’
And no-one seemed to notice when a tiny voice said, ‘Shrew!’
Turbo Gran said, ‘It was in our very first ice age,
Their comrades came before the dinosaurs became the rage,
So check their DNA, it’s not so difficult to do
And you will find that here I have the ancestor of you,
‘You might have heard of freezer mice, well meet their distant cousins,
They’re friends: they could have come in hoards, instead they came in dozens,
They came to find their ancient friends whom once had come this way
You’d marked them for dissection ’til they upped and ran away.’
Bigwig scowled, ‘A spaceman mouse, you’re right, I’ve seen a few,
won’t change our world.’ but then a frozen mouse said, ‘We are SHREW!’
With one click of their fingers they grew tall, just like a man
Then turned to face the colonel as they stood by Turbo Gran
‘From the dawn of time we’ve shared a joint biology,
Could we, maybe, from today, share joint technology?
Then shrew and man and Turbo Gran could formulate a plan
To live the dream of sprout ice cream.’
And Gran said, ‘Sure, we can.’
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