I wish

I wish it was possible for you to actually love me for who I am... I wish you accepted me as much as you accepted all my abusive ex's.. I wish I had the guts to stand up to you without my anxiety heating my skin so hot I get light headed.. I wish I had the confidence to set clear boundaries with you, with out the fear of depression creeping in, pulling me into it's embrace. I wish you were more proud of me than you are disappointed.. I wish you took my side once.. instead of telling me to suck it up, stick it out n see. Whether it be a disrespectful boss, or an abusive boyfriend, you always have a validation or excuse waiting, I'm the one that's in the wrong. And yet, your expectations of me are still very high, even tho I've never lived up to them. I know I didn't follow in your footsteps in the church... But that shouldn't matter. I know I'm not married with kids.. but that shouldn't matter. I know I don't have an amazing job that covers your bills and mine, but that shouldn't matter.. you're my mom, my only parent left. You should be building relationships, not breaking them more so.. I know you will never truly love me for who I am I know you'll never truly be proud of me.. Even though I strive to hear you say it. I know I will forever be your biggest disappointment. I do wonder if your life would've been easier if I was never born.. It would be one less problem in the family, one less thing stress trigger. Your perfect golden boy son, who could do no wrong could practically be here every day that way.. How is it possible for you to be more proud and loving towards him... Than me? I don't understand! I'm the one that was forced to grow up... But expected to keep a cool head and forgive him?! He's still loved and accepted by you unconditionally... And somehow I still wish you could love me like that.