Amanda Kinzer | + Follow Poet |
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I Want To Reach Out To You

I want to reach out to you, but a part of me is scared, what if you don’t remember me? My heart couldn’t take that pain, that despair
What if all these years I have only built what we shared up in my mind? And to you it was nothing more than a forgotten moment in time
What if all this time my love for you has grown over the years? But you have never again thought of me and never shed a tear
What if when we last spoke you felt nothing but relief? And I was distraught with sleepless nights, crying out for you, praying that you could hear me

What if you dusted off your hands? And solemnly said to yourself “Finally I am free,” I don’t know how I could accept that in my heart, I thought we made each other complete
What if you were to see my picture with my message? And think to yourself “My she has changed,” and thank your lucky stars that back then, you didn’t give me your last name
What if you weren’t to like what you see as you did then? My heart couldn’t take it, because I fell in love with all of you, not just the outer shell, the inside of the man
What if you were to see my name in your inbox and you just blatantly let it pass by? And you think to yourself “Do I know someone by that name?” and casually just deny

But what if you do remember me? But you wish that I had never reached out, that you had finally moved on with your life, and that you’re so happy now
What if I am making a mistake because my heart can’t let you go, is it worth it to reach out to you? I feel that if I don’t, I’ll never know
I wonder would it be alright? What would your emotions be? Would you get butterflies in your stomach? Or would you suddenly become angry?
So, I decided to take a leap of faith and I made a judgment call, I hit send on my message and pray that it receives a response

The message simply read that, “I am just reaching out and hope that you are well” something simple and nonchalant, sounding nothing like myself
But there was just one indicator that would let you know that it was me, I left my signature at the bottom, with just one solitary piece
Just one letter that stands for my first name, and I hope that you will remember the semblance from the days that I used to do the same
But days upon weeks have passed by and I have made up every excuse to ease my mind, I’ve told myself that you never got the message, but then I know that it went through just fine

I tell myself you received the notification and that you saw that it was me, and you blocked and deleted my message, without even taking the time to read
That you wouldn’t let yourself go back to that place, the one in the broken parts of your troubled mind, so you simply looked at my name on your screen and said silently, “I’m fine”
You told yourself that you will not go in reverse, that you will not again feel that pain, that you’re finally alright and that I should be the same
But I guess what haunts me is, that I will never really know, if you read what I wrote, or you decided that as me, it had to go

But I can live with the fact that I tried, that I took one last chance, that I reached out to you, but you weren’t looking for one last dance
You moved on and found all that you were looking for, and you don’t need reminders of yesterday knocking on your door
So, the only thing that bothers me is that I wasn’t even worth your time, that you skipped over me like a dejected thought and erased me from your mind
So, all those memories, all those words, and the love that I thought you felt, were really nothing but dreams in my head, that I envisioned by myself

So, I guess that I am not the one that you loved, and the one that you cared for the most, all because you couldn’t reply, and you treated me like a ghost.

Copyright © Amanda Kinzer | Year Posted 2020

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