Johneta Ohler Poet Spoken Word

I settle

I settle.
I settle for the unsure.
For the in between.
For the almost.
For the energy that feels good but never solid.
For the kind of love that’s there…
but not really.
I tell myself it’s fine.
I tell myself I’m being realistic.
Because I don’t actually believe I’m going to get unconditional love.
Not the REAL kind.
Not the kind where someone looks at you and decides…
that’s it…
“She’s the one”
Not the kind where they stay when it’s hard.
When you’re emotional.
When you’re healing.
When you’re not easy.
I love hard.
I don’t know how to love casually.
I don’t know how to give 30%.
When I care, I care. 
Fully.
And I don’t think anyone is ever going to love me like that.
The way I love.
The way I want to be loved.

See..
Movies make it look so simple.
Two people choosing each other over 
and over
And over again.

Loving each other through change. 
Through aging. 
Through insecurity.
Through the messy parts.
But I’ve convinced myself that it’s not real.
So I take what’s handed to me.
The half effort.
The half commitment.
The almost choosing.
The kind of love that keeps its options open.
And I pretend it’s enough.
Because if unconditional love doesn’t exist,
then at least I’m not missing out on anything.
If it’s not real, then I’m not being rejected from it.
But if it is real…
Then what does it say about me
that I’ve never had it?
Thats the part i hate thinking about.
Because somewhere deep down
I think maybe I’m just not the kind of person someone loves like that.
Maybe I’m too much.
Too intense.
Too emotional.
Too deep.
So I settle.
Not because I don’t want more.
But because wanting more feels delusional.
And I’d rather prepare for disappointment
than believe in something
that might never show up.
But there’s still a small part of me
that hopes I’m wrong.
That hopes one day someone won’t hesitate.
Won’t half step.
Won’t almost.
They’ll just choose….

me.

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