You'll Neverknow Poet Free verse

i don't want to be nineteen

10
i've just moved back to my hometown but i have none of my old friends
i'm at a new school
not many people seem to like me
i'll have more friends
maybe when i'm older?
oh how i want to be older
11
i made a couple of friends 
we laugh and joke around with one another
i pretending i'm not fearing what they'd think
if they knew the things i knew about myself
the secrets i keep hidden
i'll tell them one day
maybe when i'm older?
oh how i want to be older
12
some of my friends were fake
they left me once they found out
i made some new friends though
they'll never fully fill the void of the others i lost
life was looking up for a bit
so i needed a new thing to ruin myself over
i became infatuated with the mirror
i'll be happy with the way i look someday
maybe when i'm older?
oh how i want to be older
13 
i feel so isolated 
like everything and everyone is moving on
without me
i'm just here
why do i feel like this?
i'll feel better someday
maybe when i'm older?
oh how i want to be older
14
i moved states again 
starting from square one
it's funny because 
i feel like every time i move
i change who i am
yet i still hate everything about myself
even though i'm the one picking who i am
i'll be a better person someday
maybe when i'm older?
oh how i want to be older
15
i'm one year away from driving 
so close to the freedom i crave so badly
but i know i will never be free
from the thing i hate most about myself
my brain
it's worse than normal
i hope i can find a way to drive away from it 
maybe when i'm older?
oh how i want to be older
16
i can drive now
i figured it'd somehow fix all my problems
but i still barely have any friends 
i still have secrets
i still turn to the side in the mirror
i still feel so behind
i still hate myself
and i still don't feel free
will it all change someday? 
maybe when i'm older?
oh how i want to be older
17
one more year of childhood
it all just feels ruined
i've spent more of it hating myself than enjoying it
when i start to think of things
i want when i'm older
i barely think it's worth it
most of what i wanted for years has never come true
maybe when i'm older? 
but i'm not sure i want to be older
18
i want to go back
i feel so grown
yet so little at the same time
i feel more behind than ever
watching everyone succeed
while i'm just here
barely here
hanging on by the thinnest thread
hoping someone will finally snap it
before i have to do it myself
i'd be a lot happier
maybe if i could be young again?
oh how i yearn to be younger

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