I don't know what to do
I'm still here.
I've posted so many poems about the pain I've gone through, saying I was done with it.
And I'm still going through it.
I don't think I'm strong enough to leave.
I know I don't want this anymore. I've known so long.
Why do I still love him?
Why do I miss him when I haven't even left?
Why do I plan to sacrifice this life so often knowing I'd be trading everything for something better,
But I'm still here?
I don't know how to get out.
I was going to take my dog, take my things, and go live at my friend's house.
He had said that day that he didn't love me - that he didn't want to deal with me, that I'm going nowhere in life.
He threw a full can of beer at me with such force that when I dodged it, it broke our front door.
I don't know when I became such a coward.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know if I wait for the next fight and run,
Or if I run now.
I keep telling myself it'll be okay but I think,
"What if he comes to my friend's house? He knows where she lives. What if she doesn't want me there after a week of him coming around and I have nowhere to go but a shelter? Could I take my dog to the shelter with me? What if she just doesn't want me there in general? How would I afford a place on my own? How would I take care of my dog? What if he tries to take the dog? What if he does something crazy?"
It just feels easier to stay. I don't have to answer those questions if I stay.
I swear, I don't want to stay. I don't want him to hurt me or my dog anymore.
I know he's bad for me.
I know I shouldn't say "it's okay" because I'm enabling him.
You just don't understand what can happen when I disagree.
Some of the most terrifying words I can say to him are
"It's not okay, I don't forgive you", or "I want to leave".
I don't know how to stick up for myself.
It feels like asking for pain.
How do any women do it?
How did you?
How did you stop being so scared?
Where the hell did you find the courage?
I don't know what to do anymore.
I don't know what to think or feel.
I just need help.
Copyright © Jess Marlo | Year Posted 2024
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