Veronika McCarl Poet Free verse

Hunger that Counts

I want to be less than skin. 
Less than breath. 
I want my body to fold into itself 
Until it’s just memory
A faint outline on a sheet 
No one changes anymore. 

I want my stomach to eat itself. 
I want my hunger to be louder than love, 
Louder than reason, Louder than the voice 
That says please stop. 

I want my bones to rise like truth.
My spine to feel like a ladder 
I climb out of this flesh. 
I want my thighs to stop touching 
To stop reminding me I exist. 
I want the scale to tell me 
I’m good. 
To count calories 
Like confessions. 
I want to earn my emptiness. 
To earn the right to wake up dizzy 
And call it progress. 
I want the scale to be my altar and 
Need it to tell me 
I’m closer to salvation.

I want my skin to bruise from blankets. 
I want my hair to fall like petals. 
I want my organs to whisper 
Enough 
And I want to whisper back 
Not yet. 

I want to be the kind of sick 
That makes people look away. 
The kind of thin that makes them think 
She’s not going to make it.

I want to be the kind of girl 
Who disappears and 
No one knows how to stop it. 
And I want that more than 
I want to be okay.
~~~

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