Hunger that Counts
I want to be less than skin.
Less than breath.
I want my body to fold into itself
Until it’s just memory
A faint outline on a sheet
No one changes anymore.
I want my stomach to eat itself.
I want my hunger to be louder than love,
Louder than reason, Louder than the voice
That says please stop.
I want my bones to rise like truth.
My spine to feel like a ladder
I climb out of this flesh.
I want my thighs to stop touching
To stop reminding me I exist.
I want the scale to tell me
I’m good.
To count calories
Like confessions.
I want to earn my emptiness.
To earn the right to wake up dizzy
And call it progress.
I want the scale to be my altar and
Need it to tell me
I’m closer to salvation.
I want my skin to bruise from blankets.
I want my hair to fall like petals.
I want my organs to whisper
Enough
And I want to whisper back
Not yet.
I want to be the kind of sick
That makes people look away.
The kind of thin that makes them think
She’s not going to make it.
I want to be the kind of girl
Who disappears and
No one knows how to stop it.
And I want that more than
I want to be okay.
~~~
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