How To Be a Man

Take out the trash on Tuesday and remember the white bags are recyclable; Don’t mix the trash with the pig food, we’re saving the world; Put the yard waste on the curb on Friday after you finish pruning; Don’t oversleep on harvest days; Be careful, remember we deal with squash, not squish; Vacuum and cover the pool today; Take your shoes off before you enter the house; Always hold the door for the ladies; Half-naked girls aren’t friendly girls; Don’t do drugs for they hinder your mind; Be sure to keep holy on the Lord’s day; Don’t cuss for this is the infamous cuss jar; This is how to tie a figure-eight, this is how to shoot a doe; This is how to treat your lady, and this is how to treat your foe; This is how you wear your tie; This is how you plant the seeds; This is how you chop a fallen pine; this is how you hoe some weeds; this is how you talk to Pops and Ma; This is how to drive your tractor; This is how to cook a steak; But don’t fix dinner for God’s sake—you’re not a girl, you know; Don’t go shopping, go farming; Don’t do girly things for you are a young man and must become and old man; This is how you burn the leaves; This is how you study; This is how you use a saw; This how you change the break pads and this is how you build a house; This is how you work out—you might want to play some sports; This is how you take care of your wife and your kids; This is how you change a diaper like a man; Sometimes it’s okay to lie, or leave without saying goodbye; Sometimes its okay to skip work to fix dinner for your lady; This is how you set the table; This is how to track muddy footprints through the freshly cleaned house when work just wasn’t good today; This is how you kiss a ladies hand; But what if the lady won’t let me kiss her hand?; You mean to say that after all you are really going to be the kind of guy who a lady won’t let kiss her hand?