Holding Back Tears
In high school, the boy I loved
Was in love with my best friend.
They held hands and snuggled at ball games
And I was always in the background, watching.
In college, they broke up, and I went home with him one night,
And he invited me into his bed, and I knew it meant nothing to him,
Yet I went through the motions as I was
Holding back tears.
After college, I started working as a teacher,
And I met a nice man.
He asked me to marry him, and I said, “Yes.”
At the very end of the night, the last five people
To leave the reception were my parents, my husband and me,
And the boy I loved in high school and college, and I got into the car
Holding back tears.
Then I had responsibilities.
We were parents, and I was working full time,
And I cooked, and I cleaned, and I took care of the baby,
And I never slept, and I never went anywhere,
And I resented my husband who never had to arrange
A babysitter and seldom changed a diaper, and I’d go to bed exhausted
Holding back tears.
And suddenly I was 40, and my son was in school,
And my best friend suffered from depression,
And I did my best to listen and be supportive
And tried to make her husband understand
How much she was suffering, but people don’t listen
To what they don’t want to hear. She committed suicide,
Leaving behind three little boys ages seven, five, and two, and I hugged them close
Holding back tears.
Then came the fast and furious years.
My grandparents died, and my son graduated
And went away to college,
And my father died, and I had a surgery go terribly wrong,
And I was trying to care for my mom, and Covid became a thing
And the tears gushed and flowed and splashed and rolled down my face,
And I realized that holding back tears had destroyed me.
"Holding Back Tears"
8.6.2021
Edward Ibeh
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