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Hiraeth

I find myself always wondering around in the dark
Laying in the road and staring up at the stars
The cold pavement on my back feels like peace
I close my eyes and breathe
I love this place, but I hate my home
Walking through these doors I always feel alone
I forever miss what it was
I feel like I make myself sad and for what?
So I fill up with things I don’t need
Shouldn’t it be easy?
I think I’m almost happy here
My thinking is never clear
Because if it were clear, if it were right
Then I wouldn’t end up laying in the road in the middle of the night
It’s not the dark that I’m wondering to
I’m getting lost looking for what I knew
A happy home with the ones I love
Without my oldest sister and mom, I’m afraid it’ll never be enough
Because they’re gone and I know it every day
And no amount of sympathized words can make it ok
I had an older brother when I was a kid
And he left one day leaving me wondering what I did
But now he’s back after 15 years
I want to open up, but what if he disappears?
I have family and there’s ones I’m close to 
But I can’t enjoy their company in the same room
Because they can’t find love for each other
I feel so sad for my sister and brother
And I miss my dad
The best man I know I’ll ever have
And now there’s one thousand two hundred and fifty five miles that prevent me from hugging him
So what am I supposed to do on the days that I just want to be his little girl again?
I love the ten minute phone calls
But I need my dad here, I want it all
I’m only twenty four
Feeling like I’m missing out on things that make life worth living for
When I thought I was making a home for myself
My marriage fell
And dammit, I’m only twenty four
In the middle of a divorce
A daughter and a son
That won’t get to know what it’s like to grow up with parents in love
Another reason I love this place, but I hate my home
I love all of the memories that were grown
But everything leaves me here
And it all disappears
I am so homesick
God am I homesick
But that place no longer exists

angeranxietychildhooddivorceemotionsfree verse

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