Notes About The Poem

Inspired by my reading a book a long time ago on the love story of Heloise and Abelard, but I did not pay good attention to triolet form when I wrote this!

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Premiere Contest WinnerHeloise - First Draft

Like moon on nights of skies unstarred
she lived without her Abelard.
A parched, still plain was Heloise -
like moon on nights of skies unstarred.
In death she would not lose regard
for him who’d been her rain and breeze.
Like moon on nights of skies unstarred,
she lived without her Abelard.
Copyright © | Year Posted 2024

Poem

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Sankey- Lewis Avatar
March 3, 2024 at 1:37 PM
Hi Andrea, Congrats on your short short. I enjoyed the rhythm, repetition of words. -namaste
John Avatar
February 13, 2024 at 8:54 AM
I'm not familiar with the love story of Heloise and Abelard, but still find myself drawn into this poem: its words, its structure. Nice one, Andrea.
Dietrich Avatar
February 13, 2024 at 1:00 PM
you've got to read their history. It's SO unusual. the poor man was castrated just for loving her.
Beaufort Avatar
February 11, 2024 at 9:14 AM
A nice thought that she could continue to think about Abelard even after death. We could always be soothed by that thought. So a first draft is life and what comes after might be the reprise? I love the title and the way it integrates with your description of this deep love--never extinguished.
Dietrich Avatar
February 11, 2024 at 9:18 AM
Do you know their story, Duke? It is so tragic. It is unbelievable what they endured but I guess in the end, they found fulfillment in giving their life to religion. To be a true triolet, I would have to change half the poem, so I guess my fix would be to call it a simple rhyming poem
Empress Avatar
February 11, 2024 at 7:37 AM
Always happy to see you win dear sweet Andrea! Congratulations
Dietrich Avatar
February 11, 2024 at 9:12 AM
Thank you
Richards Avatar
February 11, 2024 at 2:23 AM
Congratulations on your podium win with this Triolet, Andrea. In the spirit of a full FEEDBACK: At first glance one does not notice that the rhyme scheme is off [a Triolet (usually an 8-line verse, but a 7-line or 9-line verse is possible) rhyme scheme is: ABaAabAB], and the required iambic tetrameter was thrown out of kilt by, for example, ‘him’ in line 6, it being an unstressed word. The unusual word ‘unstarred’ to rhyme with ‘Abelard’ was the clincher; not forgetting using alliteration: ‘s’ and ‘z’ Heloise/breeze (it is not wrong per se, but it jars a bit). Words with no natural rhyme can pose difficulties for poets, but you have seamlessly overcome these obstacles by weaving an emotive tale that draws attention away from the aforementioned technicalities. This is a great execution of the contest, First Draft, brief. ~Suzette
Dietrich Avatar
February 11, 2024 at 9:14 AM
Thanks for the win. I really messed up my rhyme scheme, that is for sure.
Schatz Avatar
February 11, 2024 at 12:11 AM
Congratulations to Heloise: First Draft. Cheers...
Poetry Avatar
February 10, 2024 at 9:44 PM
Congrats on the win, nice write, clever words.
Alhemaidy Avatar
February 10, 2024 at 3:16 PM
Very lovely read! Last draft was made of seven lines.. Enjoyed reads :-)
Fowler Avatar
February 10, 2024 at 1:29 PM
Awesomeness Andrea - compelling, lingering. I like this form and your rhythm and rhyme move the words along seamlessly. Congratulations! :)
Dietrich Avatar
February 10, 2024 at 1:43 PM
thanks very much, Linda.
Peranteau Avatar
February 10, 2024 at 11:46 AM
Congrats for your Triolet Andrea...i'mean, Triumph dear poet ;) i read this yesterday, i came back to see if you posted again to notice with glee your trophy (((((claps)))))...iz your's freezen yet .)...lot'sa warmth to ya vooman...much love ')
Dietrich Avatar
February 10, 2024 at 1:24 PM
Thanks, James and for your glee for me!
One Avatar
February 10, 2024 at 11:01 AM
Deep and emotive poem Andrea.. Best of luck in the contest..
Dietrich Avatar
February 10, 2024 at 1:23 PM
Thanks, Silent One.
Sidwell Avatar
February 10, 2024 at 10:49 AM
Excellent poem! Especially for a first draft. Loved the flow and feel. Congratulations!!
Dietrich Avatar
February 10, 2024 at 1:23 PM
Thanks, Robert. I'm so happy to get a trophy for this.
Empress Avatar
February 10, 2024 at 9:45 AM
Wow this flows so well, a first draft that sounds like a captivating chorus sweet andrea. You did the right thing choosing a poem that has a beat and is short and sweet. I especially love “ skies unstarred” “ unstarred is a clever one! I always love moon poems! Best wishes for the contest; i bet will be a winner
Dietrich Avatar
February 10, 2024 at 10:53 AM
thanks, Ink. I had it up yesterday and took it down and then decided to put it up again . Sure glad I did!
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