God Misplaces Some of the Dead

They were accounted for, officially dead at least, but the sickening fact was that large numbers of the dead had gone missing. Occasionally, still pinging cellphones were found in Hades, Purgatory, and other Bardo states. Olympus was still drunkenly silent, as were almost all of the seven heavens. In nirvana, the footwear of some of the deceased, had been left in a pile awaiting a divine fire. The missing had presumably transported themselves to some less boneheaded ideas of the afterlife. Eventually, God pronounced. “Right” he said, “right, okay, this is a sales glitch really. We’re just not packaging death attractively enough”. However the missing dead never returned, having found their own way out of all that craziness.