Every Breath I Breathe Is Waiting Catastrophe

It starts with a thought,
Spiraling out of control. 
I don't realize it, though. 
I'm just thinking through everything.
Every memory,
Every moment.
Every heart ache,
Every reason I'm the way I am.
Every song I've loved,
Every book I've read. 
And somehow I connect
All of this together into 
One thought.
And it goes through my mind
Again and again and again.
They always describe it as a whisper,
But that's not what it is.
It's me. 
I'm thinking it.
It's not a demon,
Or a beast,
Or some monstrous 
Alternate personality.
It's me. I'm telling myself
That I am everything 
I'm afraid to be.
And that's what brings it on.
One deep breath.
I can feel my heart picking up.
Can feel my lungs contracting
On the next inhale.
And it's like a race between 
Mind and body.
Because I can't breathe.
I can't control myself.
In out in out in out in out
Some breaths harsh and fast,
Some deep and slow,
But it doesn't go. 
Because I'm not in control. 
I can see everything around me,
I can feel all of the things happening,
But I can't do anything.
My body is operating itself
And it doesn't know how to.
I'm dying
Only I'm not.
All I can think,
Is I'm trapped.
I can't get out.
I can't escape my own body. 
Breathing.
In out in out in out
Faster.
I can feel the tears and snot,
And my back aches in the worst way.
And it all started with a thought
But I'm too scared to think it.
And I'm not breathing.
I'm choking.
Mouth open wide
Please, please, please
Let me breathe.
And it's a long moment where
I'm staring at nothing
Begging for something
That I'm scared won't happen.
And then I inhale again
And I think maybe it's over
But 
In out in out in out
There's no escape. 
In out in out in out
Faster, faster.
I'm trembling,
Shaking to the core.
My shoulders hurt.
It's unbearable
But I can't make it stop.
I can't take this,
But I can't move. 
And then it happens.
Like someone's flipped a switch
Right in the center of my head.
Because my breathings slowing. 
And I'm still terrified.
But I have some control.
In
Out
In
Out
Slow and safe.
Slow and safe. 
And I'm here again.
Shaking and breathless.
Scared and a little lost.
But my breathing is
Slow and safe.
I'm not going to die.
I knew that already, though,
It's a hard thought to remember,
When you have no hold. 
When you have no control.
And I'm sitting here,
Suddenly exhausted and barely conscious.
It all started with one thought.
It always does.

Copyright © Audri Carlevaro | Year Posted 2016

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