EARLY ONSET OF DEMENTIA NASA NEUROLOGY MEMORY CARE AND ME
THESE ARE CERTAINLY WORDS NO WRITER WANTS TO HEAR NO POET WANTS TO EVER FATHOM AFTER TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY BRAIN DAMAGE YOUR DECISION TO COPE SINKS IN HOW TO KEEP MY BRAIN ALIVE WHAT IF I COULD JUST WRITE EVERY SINGLE DAY WOULD THAT KEEP MY BRAIN FROM DYING MY MIND FROM DRIFTING INTO THAT DARK PLACE OF DEMENTIA WHY DEMENTIA DOESN'T JUST TAKE YOUR MEMORY THE MOOD SWINGS DEPRESSION ANXIETY NO MATCH FOR MY PTSD I WAS DESPERATE HOWEVER I GUESS I WAS VERY BLESSED I HAD WRITTEN MY OWN AUTOBIOGRAPHY I'D KELP A JOURNAL BASICALLY SINCE 1984 MEETING WITH FBI AGENTS ABOUT ARSON MURDERS BY CIRO GARGANO I NEVER STOPPED WRITING I COULD NO LONGER SPEAK SO I WROTE IN MY JOURNAL FOR YEARS LIFES CHALLENGES BEING AN INFORMANT FOR THE MOB WEARING WIRES PREGNANT FOR THE FBI WAS TO GET CIRO GARGANO PRISON TIME CUT IN HALF THE FBI TOLD ME IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO KEEP MY FAMILY SAFE FROM BEING WHACKED BY GARGANO CRIME FAMILY THIS WAY HE TRUSTED ME I WAS THE LINE OF COMMUNICATION FROM CIRO GARGANO TO THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION ARLINGTON HEIGHTS ILLINOIS CHICAGO CONSTANT CONTACT EXTENSIVE WIRE TAPS PHONE COVERSATIONS OVER SEVEN YEARS THROUGH TERREHAUTE JOLIET OSH GOSH MARRIANNA FEDERAL BUILDING ON VAN BUREN AND LASALLE ALL THE YEARS I REALIZED ONE DAY IF GARGANO EVER READ MY JOURNAL HE WOULD WHACK ME HE DID JUST THAT AFTER I CONTACTED THE FBI IN TAMPA HOME INVASIONS MY JOURNAL RIPPED DYNAMITE GARGANO WAS FURIOUS I HAD NO IDEA HE SENT JAMAICAN FEMALE MULES INSIDE MY HOME TO READ PAGES IN MY JOURNAL LEAVING ME A MESSAGE FROM CIRO MIND MY BUSINESS WHILE WAITING ON THE CAR BOMB BLAST TO BLOW MY BRAINS OUT SADLY I SURVIVED THE BOMB BLEW MY BRAINS UP INSIDE MY SKULL THE POWERFUL FORCE POINT BLANK RANGE CRUSHING MY FACE NOSE FRONTAL LOBE DAMAGE NOTHING PREPARED ME FOR THEE EARLY ONSET OF DEMENTIA I GUESS IN THE BACK OF MY BRAIN STEM MY MIND FELT THE NEED TO CONTINUE WRITING EVERY DAY SOMETIMES ALL DAY POEM AFTER POEM SHORT STORY AFTER SHORT STORY I MUST ADMIT A CERTAIN FEAR OF THE DAY MY BRAIN JUST SHUT DOWN MY MIND ALL ALONE REACHING FOR MEMORIES RELIVING UNTHINKABLE ABUSE JUST TO FIND THAT MEMORY OF ME HOLDING A DANELION AT AGE SIX BLOWING IT WHILE SKIPPING ALONG THE CATTAILS WITH ONSET OF DEMENTIA BACK MEMORIES ACTUALLY HURT TO REMEMBER BUT IN MEMORY CARE BLOCKING OUT BAD MEMORIES ERASES GOOD ONES WHICH IS WHY I SUPPOSE IT'S EASY TO TO FORGET YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR YOUR LOVED ONES AL BECOMES A BLANK NO MEMORY LEFT YOUR HEART BREAKS DEEP DARK DEPRESSION THE ONLY WAY TO HEAL NOW IS TO GATHER NEW MEMORIES SASLY MANY DIE FROM DEPRESSION NOT EVERYONE COULD ACTUALLY DEVELOPE NEW FAMILY FRIENDS NEW FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVORS EMPTY WITH ME SINCE THE NEUROLOGIST NEUROSCIENCE CANNOT PIN POINT THE ACTUAL DAY WHEN THE EARLY ONSET OF DEMENTIA FINALLY INVITES DEMENTIA TO TAKE OVER WHY TO REST INSIDE YOUR BRAIN THERE WAS NO TURNING BACK FOR ME I DEVELOPED THIS OVERWHELMING NEED TO EXPRESS MYSELF BY CONTINUING TO WRITE POETRY ODDLY EVERYDAY EVEN WHILE MY FACE WAS SMASHED EYE SOCKET BLEEDING CONSTANT JOURNALING IMPULSIVE WRITING DISORDER THE EMOTIONAL MENTAL NEED TO KEEP WRITING IN ORDER TO REFRESH MY BRAIN PERHAPS SLOWING DOWN THE UNCONTROLLABLE DEGENERATING BRAIN MATTER ATLEAST IN MY MIND WRITING HELPS ME COPE WITH NOT BEING ABLE TO COME UP WITH THE RIGHT WORDS WHEN ACTUALLY SPEAKING THE FEELING OF WORDS JUST NOT COMING OUT RIGHT IN CONVERSATION OR YOU FORGET WHAT YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT IN THE FIRST PLACE THIS CAN BE VERY EMBARRASSING SOMEONE MAY ASK YOU A QUESTION YOUR BRAIN JUST WON'T CONNECT TO SPEECH PATTERN RIGHT NOW AND YOU SAY SOMETHING THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE CONVERSATION YOU KNOW THE EARLY ONSET OF DEMENTIA HAS DROPPED IN AGAIN DEEP SADNESS TRULY YOU LAUGH AT YOURSELF MOST TIMES NO ONE EVEN CATCHES EXCEPT THERAPY DOCTORS EVEN THEY ARE A BIT CONFUSED FUNNY HOW LAUGHTER REPLACES TEARS AND TEARS REPLACE LAUGHTER YOU KNOW YOUR FINALI WILL SURELY END WITH MEMORY LOSS ALTOGETHER GREIF OF COURSE SO MUCH SO THIS YEAR I WAS STUCK IN THE MEMORY OF MY WEARING WIRES PREGNANT FOR THE FBI I DIDN'T WANT TO BE BUT MY MIND NEEDED TO FEEL THE WARMTH OF THAT PREGNANCY THAT FETUS IN M Y WOMB HEARING HER HEART BEAT STILL TODAY SO I BOUGHT ME A BRAND NEW BABY DOLL FOR CHRISTMAS AMAZING COMFORT IT HELPED ME REMEMBER SOMETHING GOOD FROM A TRAUMATIC EVENT THAT SCARED ME EMOTIONALLY MENTALLY SOMETIMES WHEN I HOLD MY NEW BABYDOLL I CAN HEAR HER HEART BEAT JUST BEATING AWAY THEN BREIFLY I REALIZE SHE IS A DOLL I THEN HAVE VISIONS ROCKING MY DOLL CHILDLIKE IN A FETAL POSITION IN A PLACE OF CONFUSION UNTIL THEN I EMBRACE MY TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY TREATMENT MY MEMORY CARE TEAM ARE VERY KIND I AM TRAUMATIZED HEARING MY FETUS HEART BEATS HOLDING ON TO MY BABY WONDERING DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE WARNING SIGNS ARE THE WORSE TRINGES IN YOUR BRAIN I CAN ACTUALLY FEEL THE NEURONS TRYING TO CONNECT AGAIN BUT DUE TO SEVERE OPTIC NERVE DAMAGES THEY SIMPLY CAN'T SO IT HURTS PANGS SPARKING MEDICATION HELPS WITH CHEMICAL IMBALANCES IN THE BRAIN BUT PHYSICAL NERVE DAMAGE CAN'T BE REPAIRED IT IS INFUSED OFF SO THE NEURONS THEN FIGHT YOU TO REROUTE THE TRAUMATIC HEADACHES PAINS TO ANOTHER PART OF THE BRAIN THIS CAUSE ITCHING UNDERNEATH YOUR SCALP YOU CAN'T SCRATCH IT HEAD BANGING IS THE ONLY RELEIF CHANNELING THE PAIN BEAD SHAKING TREMORS UNCONTROLLABLE YOUR BRAIN FIGHTING AGAINST THIS EARLY ONSET OF DEMENTIA THAT SAYS YOUR BRAIN IS DYING AGING FASTER THAN YOU ARE NOW IN SOME WAYS I GUESS DEMENTIA IS THE BRAINS WAY OF SAVING YOUR MIND BY ERASINGING TRAUMATIC EVENTS A KIND OF COPING MECHANISM QUESTION WHAT WILL BE REFRESHED AFTER NEUROSURGERY WHAT WILL DIE WHAT WILL SURVIVE THIS CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE CALL THE BRAIN ONE MUST UNDERSTAND THE BRAIN WOULD HAVE TO BE A CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE HOW TO SAVE IT KEEP IT SPARKING INSTEAD OF SIMPLY FIZZING OUT WATCHING YOUR BRAIN DIE HELPLESSLY IS VERY TRAUMATIC SHE SEEMS SO NORMAL DO YOU THINK MY MOM REMEMBERS ME VERY TRAUMATIC TO HERE THERE I WAS HELPLESS SPALASTITY BLANK STARE WAITING TO SEE IF THIS WILL SOON PASS OR HAS THE ONSET OF DEMENTIA FINALLY LANDED AND HAS NO PLANS OF EVER LEAVING QUESTIONS AFTER THE DEATH OF A PERSON WITH DEMENTIA ARE THERE ANY SIGNS OF BRAIN ACTIVITY HOW SMALL IS THE BRAIN NOW HOW MUCH SHRINKAGE WHY OVER 23 YEARS IN TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY CARE MY BRAIN HAS BEGUN SHRINKING YOU DON'T FEEL THE SHRINKAGE EARLY ONSET OF DEMENTIA BEFORE 60 PROGRESSING SO FAST IT WAS JUST YESTERDAY I WAS SWIMMING NOW I AM AFRAID TO LEAVE MY HOME YES AGRPHOBIA AN YET I HAVE TO GET GROCERIES THANK GOD FOR MY WAR HERO BEING A GOOD DRIVER FUNNY I NEVER DREAMED THE EARLY ONSET OF DEMENTIA WOULD ACTUALLY ARRIVE I SHUT DOWN BLOCKED IT OUT BELIEVING WRITING EVERYDAY WOULD SAVE MY BRAIN THAT WRITING WOUKD CURE THE ONSET OF DEMENTIA FROM PROGRESSING IT HELPED ME COULD MY MENTAL HEALTH JOURNAL MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY MY AMERICAN POETRY HELPED KEEP MEMORIES ALIVE BUT DIDN'T SLOW THE PROGRESSING DEGENERATING BRAIN THE DAMGED NERVES THE FINALI HEARING MY FETUS HEARTBEATS FUNNY HOW THIS RESULTED IN A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN TRULY PTSD ANXIETY DISORDER PANIC DISORDER DEPRESSION NOW I AM FACE TO FACE WITH THE DIAGNOSIS EARLY ONSET OF DEMENTIA 23 YEARS LATER HAS ARRIVED I MUST SAY LEAVING WITH MY MIND MY IDENTITY MY BRAIN GIVING A WHOLE NEW MEANING TO MY IDENTITY THIEVES FIXATED ON MY LIFE HENCE MY DEATH TODAY I HAVE TO EMBRACE MY DIAGNOSIS AND LIVE MY LIFE IN COMPLETE COMFORT AND HEALING WRITING UNTIL MY BRAIN STOPS SPARKING
BABE I'VE GOT YOU BABE
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