Dark Green Forest

I do not know what came over me To find myself back in this hole To change my views so suddenly Craving the feeling to fall I do not know why I'm so attracted To the things that destroy me inside To the feeling of being lost and hopeless Like I don't want to fight to stay alive I do not know why I'm so addicted To the pain from my self hatred hex To the feeling of anxiety pooling in my stomach The drowning feels better than sex I do not know why I'm on my knees begging Crying for mercy or release When the moment I'm set free, I'm wilting Longing for being deceased The darkness has been buried inside me And though the light can easily come in I feel like maybe I do not wish to Ever be alive again I do not know if this is a cry for help Or myself making peace with my hell Though I'm saying I love being tortured I'm saying I wish I never fell So I'm sitting in the depths of despair Satisfied if I'm being quite honest Enjoying the pain inflicted on me Like a masochist in the dark green forest