Comfortable Being Uncomfortable
It’s 9 o’clock and I have every intention of going to sleep early tonight
But I’ve been sitting on my bed reminiscing a little too long
I take a shower that’s too hot so I can feel the discomfort on every inch of my body and know that I’m still here
But I’m never comfortable and I’m becoming comfortable with that
And it’s been 4 days since I’ve brushed my hair
Because when I’m done I know it takes less effort to just put my shirt on and crawl into my soft blankets
It takes less effort to not take care of myself
And I’m tired of taking care of myself
It’s unsettling to admit
But I’m never comfortable and I’m becoming comfortable with that
I lay here and write and listen to my playlist to cover up the noises I hear outside my window
Ignoring the world when I should be figuring it out
And I’m in a constant fight between being too hot and shivering the moment I take the covers off
But I’m never comfortable and I’m becoming comfortable with that
I’m overlooking the right things to tell myself when I’m in need of help
Like the way I overlook the tone of concern in your voice when you ask me how I’ve been
And even if I didn’t, who’s to say you would listen?
Because I’m finding it hard to uncover the difference between somebody genuinely caring and somebody only wanting something to talk about
And I’m worried I won’t be able to discover the difference inside myself
But I’m never comfortable and I’m becoming comfortable with that
I’ll lie here for hours trying to find something interesting to waste my time with
But everything is the same as it always is
And I’ll make a plan for tomorrow to do things differently than I did today
Maybe that’ll make it a little more ok
It’s hard to feel better at all when I start every day in the same stale state I was in when I finally forced myself to close my eyes
Old habits are hard to break
Because like every night before this I had intentions of going to sleep early
But it’s 4 o’clock in the morning
And I’m becoming comfortable with that
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