Emily Ann Poet Free verse

Childish Dependency

I used to fear 
Loosing myself so bad
That I lost the ability to fall in love
What could love possibly give me
That I haven’t already given myself
Dependence on someone else
Felt weak
I craved so badly
To be self sufficient 
That I eventually became it 

Yet you walked in
And I wrapped myself neatly in a bow
And handed myself over to you 
I tied the knot over my mouth
And placed me haphazardly in your hands 

God your hands
I remember being infatuated with them
I say that as if I’m not anymore
But i remember being shocked by them
Hands so big that my fingers hurt 
When we interlocked digits 
That pain grew into familiarity
A soreness after we parted 
Paired with the sobs in my chest 

I don’t know why I cry when I drop you off
Or at random stoplights
I don’t think it was your absence 
But rather your presence 
That led to such outbursts

Like a child demanding attention 
Only to be ignored in defiance
But I never screamed or begged
 for your attention 
I never even asked
I just hope you would give it to me
And cried when you did not 

Like a child who grew up on eggshells 
I was painfully adept at reading your energy
Maybe that’s why I cried
You never did anything wrong
But it was how you felt about me
 that left a hollow echo of paranoia 

Because you don’t see the suffering 
You assume it isn’t there
Because you are so loud with yours
You cannot possibly imagine how I could be so quiet with mine

But like a child 
Who grew up “too much”
I instilled the belief 
That suffering must happen silently 
Not all suffering 
Just mine

I used to fear loosing myself so badly
Because I knew when I did
I would find a child
Sitting on her shaking hands
And telling her mommy
I’m sorry for making you upset 
I’m sorry for needing you
I hated dependency
Because it felt childish 

Yet I fell down at your feet
Like a child to their parent
The one who provides love
Also forced pain
But like a child
Who’s brain was too new to love 
I conflated the two
Because you hurt me
You love me
And if you are not hurting me
You do not love me

Like a child on Christmas 
You opened me up excitedly
Tearing away at the paper
And unraveling the bow
I came apart in your hands
And like a child who grew accustomed to disappointment 
You thanked me 
It was the thought that counted 
And then threw me in the corner
Collecting dust 
Until I threw myself away
Because like a child
I couldn’t handle that you didn’t need me

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